In My Free Time...

We had some free time this weekend, and we watched some TV. Specifically, Kung Fu Hustle. It was on television. We LOVE this movie... it's one of the funniest I have ever seen. Skip and I were rolling on the couch while watching it. But that's another story, not fit for the blog...
Anyway. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's got Chinese Jazz Hands, Paige. (And Tiff... I still have vivid memories of you and Jenny doing your own Kung Fu Hustle... ah. good times.)



Anyway. There were several commercials that caught my attention during the movie. The first was this. I loathe and despise it. It doesn't even make sense to me. I could see if it was for breath mints or something, but a cough drop? Who gets turned on by cough drop breath?? Even if it IS fruity? Isn't there an underlying dose of Mentholatum? Not sexy, even for a desperate cougar mom and a nerdy roomate.



But the network redeemed itself by playing this bad boy. I almost jumped up out my seat and started dancing on the coffee table. I mean, HELLOOOO... IT'S BIZ!!! OH, SNAP! If you don't hear this song and have an instant happy memory, then there is something wrong with you. I still know every single word to this song. And I can still do just as crappy a job as Biz in singing it. Speech impediment and all.


There was one other commercial for an obscure cell phone company that showed a claymation Mrs. Claus in bed with Frosty, defending her actions by saying "WHAT? Santa's gone. I have NEEDS, you know." It was confusing and tacky, and I couldn't even find a YouTube clip of it. All I know is that the clear implication of Frosty melting by the fireplace, leaving nothing but his carrot nose, was totally offensive. Thank goodness I still had Biz and The Kung Fu Hustle to redeem the evening.

The Husband's Rebuttal

Otherwise Titled,

Excuse me Mrs. Lincoln, But I am Afraid That I Will Have to Ask You to Remain Seated Until the End of the Play.

Got this email from my husband today, with the subsequent blog post:
Babe! You’re killing me! I must be taking a crazy pill because I don’t remember the dinner going down that way. I mean, sure you described the menu well but I think your memory is a bit fuzzy on how it all came about.

Paige, you are absolutely right. Thanksgiving is all about tradition and I am a stickler for tradition. I think that we as Americans have forgotten what Thanksgiving is all about and that’s FOOTBALL. Now it’s true, my lovely wife did mention to me that since we were not having anyone over for the holiday, she did not feel like making an elaborate dinner; plus the fact that she would be on her feet for over 20 hours preparing dinner did not compute when it would just be me, her, and the kids. So I, being the gracious and loving husband that I am, said “Then don’t cook”. Now this phrase might appear to the non-military mind to be a simple, non-salient phrase. But to the more keen intellect, it was the start of a major coup that would further strengthen my legitimacy as the favorite parent. But before I could start engraving the plaque that was to go over my throne, I had to choose my next words carefully. My entire Kingness hinged on the next words out of my mouth. The words came to me as if Al Bundy himself was sitting next to me on my couch. “Let’s just have Man Food” Three little sets of ears perked up. Man Food?!? Did he say Man Food? And from there, the rest was easy. We woke in the morning and lounged around the house in our pajamas. We sat on our couch with one hand in the waistband of our pants and watched football (even Noe), knowing that there were not going to be any timers going off or pots needing cleaning, only to be dirtied again. We pondered the age old questions of "What exactly are Buffalo wings?" and "Why are they called pizza rolls if they have corners?" Anyway, Andrea can keep the points because I’m much bigger than that (note in her post how she had to keep playing until she scored higher than me) as long as you know that I was the puppet master behind the scene.

I know, ladies. I'm a very lucky woman.

Mom: Ten. Kids: ????

Our desktop got a virus and is in the shop, and I can't load pictures onto the laptop. So you'll pardon the lack of visual documentation.
We had a unique Thanksgiving this year. The whole weekend, overall, was very nice. At least, I thought it was. I gave it a TEN. If you were my kid, what kind of score would you give it?

1. I didn't cook for Thanksgiving dinner. We have been very busy this year. I decided I didn't feel like having people over, nor did I feel like spending the day in the kitchen. So we had "MAN FOOD." Please, peruse our menu of previously frozen foods:
-Totinos Pizza Rolls
-Mozzarella Sticks
-Buffalo Wings
-Hickory Farms Summer Sausage
-Cheese and Crackers
-Fresh Veggies and Dip
-Teriyaki Beef Skewers
-Soda
*Big points for Mom.

2. We went to some friends' house for dessert. Their kids have Nintendo DS, with a game called Brain Age. You go through a series of games that tests your intellectual ability. Skip and I commandeered the games from the kids and played the ENTIRE NIGHT. Not even lying. *Mom loses big points with kids. Also with husband, as I insist on playing until I come away with the higher score.

3. Took the kids to see the Broadway production of The Lion King. While I found the 2 hour and 45 minute production to be a bit long *Minus points for kids with short attention spans, the costumes and set were breathtaking. I enjoyed most of the music. Our adult Simba did not impress with his vocals, but our Young Nala was adorable. And did I mention the costumes and set? Amazing.

4. Attended the University of Idaho/Utah State football game. Being a USU alum, I still enjoy cheering them on. Plus, they won. *Huge points from football-crazed son. Minus points for other two kids who could care less about football and had to sit for three hours. Minus more points for not sitting in proximity to the cheerleaders, thus disappointing both daughter AND Cassinova son.

So there you have it. That was our Thanksgiving weekend. I, myself, had a delightfully relaxing and entertaining time. I also finished the bulk of my Christmas shopping online. My kids don't know that, but *it should earn me a few more bonus points, don't you think??

And In Other Strange and Unusual News...

My husband recently made a trip to Salt Lake City. I've mentioned before how things seem to happen to him that otherwise bypass the ordinary man or woman. (Remember how he got hit on during one of our dates... by another man?)
Anyway.
While he was waiting to catch his connecting flight into SLC, in true Utah style he counted no less than TWELVE babies preparing to ride on his flight. Twelve. Complete with strollers and carseats. And as luck would have it, he would also be travelling with a wheelchair basketball team.

Pre-boarding, anyone?

Sitting in the waiting area, they receive an announcement that there is a problem with the plane. An hour and a half later, they are finally loaded onto a different aircraft. What would someone do for an hour and a half, you might ask? How about watch the drunk lady pass out money to all the children! "Drunk lady?" you ask. "How Drunk Was She?!" Drunk enough to start trying to recruit male passengers to her mile high club! How's that for a punchline.
What? You're not joking?
What? She's sitting on people's laps? She's actually making out with one of them? They went WHERE? INTO THE FAMILY BATHROOM TOGETHER? Now none of the twelve moms of screaming babies who are out of Cheerios have a place to change their stinky diapers? Wow. Someone should do something about that.

Enter the flight crew. Diverted from what was supposed to be their last stop to now accompany my husband, 12 babies, the wheelchair basketball team AND the drunk lady on their new plane to SLC, this crew is not happy. Out of the bathroom saunters Ms. Miller Light. The flight crew gives her a once over, gets a briefing from my husband on her antics, and quickly decides she will not be riding with them.

In the end, he made it to his destination. Sometimes I'm jealous that I never have these kinds of entertaining experiences. But then I think about it, and I'm happy to live vicariously through him.

You are now free to fly about the country.

Idiot Test

I manage some rental properties for a friend of mine. I select who rents from her, collect their monthly payments, and generally ensure the well-being of her properties. It works out nicely.

At the moment, I am looking for an additional female renter. So I advertise in some local publications, hoping to catch the eye of an acceptable college student.

I got an email today from a very promising candidate. She is almost too good to be true! Please see her email below (and my commentaries in red):

On Thu, Nov 19, 2009 at 1:16 AM, susanna pattersons wrote:

How are you doing today? Well, I'm just fine, thank you for asking, susanna pattersons!
I'll like to take the place you have for rent . Well to tell you a little about myself, i'll be coming from the U.K.(formally based in California Fountan valley } So are you from the UK or are you from California? Because both those places speak English pretty well, which you do not. I don't think i'll be able to meet you or see the place but if you could send me pics it would be very helpful , What a bummer! I really would've liked to have done lunch before you moved in. i'll like to sort out the payment before coming, don't worry if you say the place is okay i'll trust you. With all the dishonesty and cynicism in the world today, I find this refreshing. I'm a missionary student. I love basketball, I love cooking and reading also. I'm coming for a 10 month missionary assignment. So is she coming to convert Shaquille O'Neal? Rachel Ray? Maya Angelou? I have a Sponsor here who is willing to make a 2 months advance payment via in order to secure the place. HEY! I have a brilliant idea! Why don't I send her my bank account info so she can pass it along to her Sponsor, and he can direct deposit it!!
Pls if this is okay with you pls get back to me as soon as possible. Pls.
To tell you a little about myself, Because I care. I'm 25years old, I am a graduate of Oxford University. Oxford University. Which has clearly lowered its academic standards since I last checked. Grammar? HA! Not for us Oxford Grads! I am also a member of the UNICEF org. , I trick-or-treated for them when I was seven. mostly tour round African and European countries.Please I'm sorry, I don't have any reference there, mostly because I'm lying and I never did that but my Sponsor is a Rev. in the U.K. The Church address he is working is The Methodist Church Home Mission Division, 1 Central Buildings, Westminster, London SW1 H 9NH. Why does SW1HNH kinda look like a flu diagnosis to me???
He is more like a parent to me. He has been taking care of me since I lost my dad, that is, since when I was a kid. Unfortunately, I can't remember the dear Sponsor-Rev.-Who-Is-Like-A- Parent-To-Me's name. But don't let that stop you from giving him your money. After all, I lost my dad, that is, since when I was a kid.
Pls get back to me ASAP. You betcha, Sooze. ASAP.
Thank you. Susan...................


The only way this lady could be any better is if she had discount handbags which quality are good. Right Jessica?

Tunesday: Reflections on Piano Lessons

Did you take piano lessons? I did. Oh yes, I did. For something like 11 years. I mostly hated it because it TOTALLY interrupted my social life between the years of 1980-1991. During those 11 years, I would also have to add that piano lessons were the main cause of fighting between me and my mother. She had this ridiculous notion that if she was shelling out all this money for my lessons, I should be practicing in my spare time. Puh-LEEZE.

But looking back, I will admit that I often found myself impressing friends at parties with my amazing repertoire. If you took piano lessons during my decade, you were probably impressing your friends as well with tunes such as...









And of coure, lest I be deemed uncultured, here was the piece I saved for times I wanted to appear smart, cultured and rich:



I have recently been debating starting my kids on piano lessons. I look back at classics such as these and realize I would be robbing them of precious life experiences by keeping them from the ivories. I also realize the amount of whining, nagging and crying that I would avoid if we didn't sign up.
What a quandary.

May Your Days Be Merry and Bright

Yesterday, Walmart unveiled its anti-death plan for this year's holiday shopping. Have you seen it? In their efforts to prevent customer homicide, there are some new rules and policies in place this year. Now if THAT doesn't say "Happy Holidays" then I don't quite know what does.

I've met a few people, Rachel, who enjoy Black Friday. They make a big production out of joining with friends and shopping together. I would personally prefer to claw my eyeballs out than shop on Black Friday. Once, thirteen years ago, I went to a fabric store because I was making a quilt for a Christmas gift, and the fabric was pennies on the yard. After those 13 years had passed, I had forgotten the intensity of the torture. Much like childbirth, where you tend to forget really how much it hurt. Which is why we have more than one child. Which is also why I tried to participate in Black Friday again last year. While I did go on to have three children, I feel confident in saying I will only have endured 2 Day-After-Thanksgiving sales in my lifetime.

So. In the upcoming spirit of goodwill towards men, I would like to offer my top ten tips on an affordable Christmas with ABSOLUTELY NO shopping on Black Friday.

1. Shop early. By "early", I mean "all year long."

2. Buy books. If you have school children in your home, you have access to the Scholastic Book Orders. They are cheap, and you will have smarter kids if they read more.

3. Overstock.com. My 6 year old daughter is into Fancy Nancy right now. I found the books at Borders for $16.00 a pop. I found them on Amazon.com for $6.99 each. Overstock.com? TWO BUCKS A BOOK. She's getting the entire collection.

4. Clearance. Pick a few of your favorite stores. Mine are Old Navy and Kohls. Sign up for their email ads. When their clearance sales start, buy stuff. End of season clearance clothing can be bought one size larger for next year's wardrobe.

5. Google promo codes. I just went to Kohl's clearance sale online, and ordered 6 outfits for the kids for about $50. Then I googled "Kohl's Promo Code" and up popped some websites offering that top secret info. I got a code for 20% off my total purchase, and another one for free shipping. So I paid thirty five bucks for well over $200 worth of merchandise.

6. Downsize. Your kids probably don't need as much stuff as you feel obligated to buy them.

7. Reward points. Our debit card offers reward points. We make all our purchases with it. In return, they have given us a HUGE mall to shop from. Every major retailer you can imagine is on it. That is how my children will get a Wii.

8. Donate to a charity. This year, our extended family is pooling the money we would've spent on neckties and WWII novels, and donating it to the Wounded Warrior foundation.

9. Draw names. If you have a sizable extended family, gift giving can be ridiculous. Draw names to prevent burdening each other.

10. Convert to Jehovah's Witness.

There you have it. What are your tips for frugal festivities?

Safety First, Safety Always (or how to tell who's on your blog)

If you have read my blog for any amount of time, you will know that it would be fairly difficult to know where I live, or what my family's last name is. I keep that all very ambiguous for the safety of my family. I think it is wise not to use your last name anywhere on your blog, including your URL address. I also believe you don't need to list your location, because really, whose business is it where you live? If someone knows you, they know where you live. If they don't know you, they don't need to know.

Another safety feature I know and love is called Sitemeter. Most people use it under the veil of security, but in reality, it's a hell of an ego boost. You get to see exactly how many people read your blog, even if they don't leave comments. But back to the safety aspect.
Sitemeter is amazing. It tells you where all your visitors are coming from. As in, it tells you which internet service they use. Sometimes, however, this information can be useless. See below.


The question marks with the "unknown" usually mean someone has accessed you through a Blackberry, or perhaps an ISP unfamiliar to Sitemeter. Darn! Can't tell who it was.
OH, SHAMWOW! There is a solution to every problem! Enter the genius website www.whatismyip.com
If you click on the unknown ISP in Sitemeter, it will provide you with the internet code (a set of digits used to identify ISP's around the world. Usually looks something like this: 982.456.22) If you enter those digits in the IP Lookup at this amazing website, it will not only tell you the company that owns this code, it will also tell you where this company is located. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! It will actually provide you with a handy dandy map right to the home of the person who was reading your blog. IS THAT COOL OR WHAT!? And if you look really hard, you can see through their living room window and find out if they watch TV in their underwear or not.
Mmm'kay... I made that last part up.


I have always been an advocate of Safe Blogging. That's why I am so enraptured with the new whatismyip.com site. Try it! You'll Like It!

Welcome To My Blog!

tidying up. house cleaning. spring cleaning. taking out the trash. however you want to view it. it was time for some change. so change there was.
while some people may find it flattering to have your blog stalked for an hour and a half by an unfamiliar ISP address, others might find it a bit awkward. creepy, even.

thus, we are beginning again. i like to consider it a catharsis of sorts. atually, as we speak, i'm doing various types of deep breathing and meditation as i bask in the cleansing nature of it all. think of it as blog pilates.

so i decided to keep my public blog. if you have me linked elsewhere, please change the name accordingly. (no more "If You Give A Mom A Moment. We went with the snappier, "Other Than That, Mrs. Lincoln, How Was The Show?") hopefully you'll stick with me on my new adventures!

love and smoochies to all who read,
andrea


ps did a little baby shoot last week, and got this picture which i love beyond words.

Tunesday: Sampling vs. Remaking; PLUS: A GIVEAWAY!

There's a difference between an artist remaking a song (think Tribute Albums) and an artist sampling a song. For me, a remake is really great if it's as good as the original. (Mary J. Blige's remake of Chaka Khan's Sweet Thing is an example.) Sometimes, a remake can actually exceed the original in listening pleasure. (Beyonce and Luther remade The Closer I Get To You, which for me completely tops Roberta Flack's version). Are you catching on? Sampling, however, is different from remaking a song.

One of my favorite things to do is find a sample from an old song in the background of a newer song. I'm talking a little LESS obvious than Vanilla Ice's infamous "Under Pressure, Pressure, Baby". There is so much music out there that has snippets of classic old tunes. It's a never-ending adventure.

Anyway. I love me some LL. I saw him once in concert, and while he doesn't hold a candle to the phenomenally sexy man I'm married to, he is still a piece of art. One of my favorite songs by him is "Hey Lover." This song is classic; it's only made better by the fact that Boys II Men throw their smooth harmony all over the place. Love them too. I wanted to post the video, but in true LL style, it's... shall we say... a bit racy? Yes. We shall say that. So below you will find only the audio clip.

CHALLENGE: If you can tell me the name of the song he sampled here, to include the artist, I will burn you a cd with all of the Tunesday hits up to this point. As you know, I use comment moderation. So I will simply store all the comments this week instead of publishing them, so no one can see anyone else's replies. Comments will be posted when the winner is announced at the end of the week. AND NO CHEATING. You can't google the answer. Where's the fun in that??

Tunesday: Wish You Were Here

I don't care who you are, what you listen to... you HAVE to like Pink Floyd. You just have to. It's in my rules.

Really though. When I think of "classic;" of groups that have been around since before I was, and whose music will be around even after I'm gone... it's not the Black Eyed Peas or Miley Cyrus or Rascal Flatts. They have their time, but their time is limited. Pink Floyd, up there with the likes of Led Zeppelin and The Eagles, just made music that made people feel stuff. And given that the feeling came for most through a ridiculously thick haze of drug-induced numbness, that's pretty impressive.

This is my all-time favorite Floyd tune. I love it. It's haunting yet it makes such a statement. It screamed against politics and war with such a quiet fortitude, that people listened. It has an almost confusing symbolism, but I am convinced you can read it without chemical assistance. You just want to lay in a hammock and soak it in.

One of the biggest disappointments of my life was being a week early in Berlin. You may or may not recall that Roger Waters did a benefit concert in 1989 titled... what else... "The Wall." The Berlin wall had just come down and it was crazy. We were in Europe on vacation for the summer, only we hit Berlin one week before the concert. I couldn't quite convince my dad to reschedule the entire trip so I could catch the show. If you have some time, check out that album. It's fun. I had the cassettes from it but my brother stole them from me while I was on my mission. Jerk. But I forgive. Anyway, Sinead O'Connor's rendition of "Mother" is absolutely unique.

Tunesday: You and Me

When I fell in love with my husband, this song was huge. He was in Iraq. I was extra emotional and sensitive for about a million reasons. This song, even though it was ridiculously overplayed and a tad bit bubblegummy, sort of snatched us both up in the whirlwind of newfound romance.

Sometimes on the blog, I write about what a super guy he is. I think he was starting to become concerned that people think he's just about perfect. I offered to write a post detailing his flaws and annoying habits, and list the things about him that really bug me. Instead, he sent me this email:

Can I have Tunesday tomorrow? If so the song is "You and Me" and here's my post:
This may come as a shock to some but I am not Mr. Perfect. As a matter of fact, I am far from it, but I am trying. I would love to say that I am trying because I will be a better person for it, but the truth of the matter is that my lovely wife deserves more. The closer I get to being perfect, the happier she is and that is all that matters. This is our unofficial song and I share it with all of you as a glimpse of what a blessing she is in my life and the love I have for her.

We're a normal couple. We enjoy each other. We do fun stuff. We talk. But we're not always the cheese and mush you see on the blog. We argue. Sometimes we even fight, and it ain't pretty. But in the end, it's me and him. We love each other, and we make it work. Thank goodness there are so many songs to help us express that. This one may not be a must-have for EVERYONE'S library, but it is in ours.

Nutritional Yeast or Steroid Burgers?

I recently "met" my first vegan. She seems extremely nice and I am learning things I didn't know. First of all, vegans aren't actually annoying. Although the cartoon above is kinda funny.

I didn't really know what the difference was between a vegan and a vegetarian, so I asked her.

She explained that vegans avoid anything that was derived from animals. Of course, that wasn't enough for me. I wanted to know more. Like the following:

1. Why is milk bad? Milk is natural. Is breastmilk off-limits for the vegan?

2. Why is honey bad? Jerry the Bee taught us a lot about what happens when bees and humans cease to codepend.

Those were the first questions I had for her. She answered them with what I assumed was behind the whole practice: prevention of cruelty to animals.

Of course, the website she sent me to was horrifying. But I couldn't imagine that all the meat and milk we consume comes from these terrible mass-marketing farms. So I asked another friend, who majored in Animal Agriculture, and who eats a lot of meat that she raises in the pasture near her house. I also zipped around online a bit, just to read up on it all.

What I learned was this: there are a lot of really strong opinions out there. I don't doubt that there are places that are filthy, disgusting and inhumane. And frankly, it's not impossible that I've unwittingly eaten meat from such a place at some point in my life. But I have to have faith in the federal government's ability to enforce guidelines and regulations, and ensure that most places are meeting a certain standard. The way I see it, everyone is entitled to their philosophies and opinions. If someone wants to live a vegan lifestyle, I think it would be an adventure at the very least. If someone wants to raise their own livestock to feed their family, again... one individual's adventure. Neither lifestyle works particularly well for me, so I have to have confidence that what I buy from my supermarket is brought to me via safe and ethical agriculture.

I am intrigued and fascinated to learn about vegan cooking. It is truly a skilled art. I am equally fascinated that I have a friend who knows how to slaughter, preserve and prepare an entire cow. I would fail miserably at either attempt. People are cool. I love diversity and really appreciate a variety of opinions. As long as no one's hating. Keep that in mind when you comment.

Tunesday: Ain't No Mountain High Enough

This is our family anthem. One night a few years ago we happened to be in Utah. Bountiful, specifically. Up on the east side in the mountain, driving around at sunset. This song came on our ipod, and we cranked it at full volume, rolled the windows down, and drove around with five kids and two adults singing at the top of their lungs. It is one of my absolute favorite memories.

I miss my stepkids this week. It's really hard to love someone very much, and have to be mostly removed from their lives. I know they feel the same way. We are always hopeful that time will improve the situation, and that as they get older, they will become more independent in their abilities to communicate with us. Until then, there's hope and faith in the ability to see over high mountains.

While the Cat is Away

For the past two years, my husband has had to go away the first weekend in October to do some military stuff with cadets from our side of the country. The first year (2007), I stayed very busy here at home. The second year (2008), I had the weekend from hell when I tried to join him on his adventures. So this year, I opted to stay very busy here at home once again. Here's how it's gone so far:

1. Spent a little time with my new BFF's, Kathy and Kate. Kathy, Kate and Khandrea. We're like three peas in a pod. We cut each other's hair with the weedwacker so we can all be twinners. Except there's three of us, not two. But tripleters doesn't have the same ring to it.

2. Since I don't choose sides in marital disputes, I also helped Jon barricade his front yard from the filming crew at TLC. Can you even believe the way they've exploited that poor man's children? I support his role as a caring, involved father. I too want to stop the trainwreck. Kumbayah, Jon.

3. Visited with Paris for a moment. Not sure which was worse... the disgusting, overindulgent latte or the weird, shimmery top. Paige... she stands as a voice of support in your anti-leggin debate.

4. Interviewed Whitney. She offered me some pot, but I told her I only buy from Bobby. I did download 8 tracks off her new album though. I recommend you do the same. She's gotta finance rehab somehow. Plus, if you don't, Cissy might come into your house and strong-arm you into doing it anyway.

5. Reminded Mariah that she will ALWAYS be a diva. Even though she "left it at home" for her critically acclaimed role in the new movie Push, she confessed to me that she was still demanding Evian on the set. I assured her the public would not love her any less for showing her hideously ugly natural face with us.

*I lied to her about that last part...

6. Kanye and I had a chat about manners. We also chatted about how much is too much when it comes to Tanqueray before the show. Held a brief therapy session in which he role-played apologizing to a Barbie doll. Then I finished shaving his head for him, since he missed a few spots the first time.

7. Lastly, declined an offer to come work for Dave. In the end, I decided it was just too creepy.

So there you have it. Tomorrow we'll be busy with football games, and then the man will be home again. Thank goodness, imagine if I got lonely enough to take Dave up on his offer???