So there I was, sitting comfortably on Diane's bedazzled walker, thankful to at least have a seat in a room full of cranky Mormon women willing to fight to the death for a chair. Pen at the ready, I listened for the secret to successful parenting. Do you know what I discovered? Scoot closer and I'll tell you.
I am not actually doing a half-bad job!Glorious news, right?? I KNOW!
I didn't go to Women's Conference this year with any big struggle or challenge that needed solving. I didn't have any broken heart that needed mending. I was just hoping for a feel-good time and a bit of reinforcement. And I got it. Here is what I learned about my parenting experience from the classes I attended:
#1. "Correction is an opportunity for a teaching moment for one in need by one who is needed." Get it? Someone needs the correction, and someone is needed to give it. And lest you quickly assume that the parent is the one needed to give it, keep an open mind that sometimes, the tables are turned. But for the sake of conversation, let's just assign those roles to their obvious recipients. Suddenly, things just make sense. My great little (and not-so-little) kids just need to be corrected from time to time. And I am charged with that responsibility. Is that not the easiest synopsis of parenting? So all I really have to do is patiently, gently and lovingly correct my child's errant behavior as occasion dictates.
Oh.
Hmmm.... there had better be a #2 somewhere in here.
#2. Personal refinement. Ah yes. That never-ending journey. I am not by nature a patient or gentle person. In fact, I am easily irritated. I recognize these character flaws, and from time to time I get the divine prodding to improve on them. Other times, I am perfectly content to stagnate in my imperfection and force the rest of the world to deal with it. It's a fine line. Since at the moment I am feeling the need to act on this acknowledgment of my shortcomings, we'll go with that. How to? Really. How to? Change is hard. It's an uncomfortable nod at how you're not as good as you wish you were. It's the setting of goals. It's the falling short of those goals. It is continued work, yes WORK, at achieving them. Like I don't already have enough to do, now I have to work at something else. Splendid. Thank goodness I've come up with point #3.
#3. That Great Guy Upstairs. Seriously. You know the popular Christian phrase "God is Good"? Well He pretty much is. If you want to be a better person, odds are highly in your favor that He wants the same thing. Suh-WEET! So ask Him! Part of the personal refinement process is the divine intervention of it all. I mean, you could probably try to do better and set your own goals and stuff, but I'm a firm believer that it's gonna go a whole lot more smoothly if you deliberate a bit with God. So in this instance, you want to be a better parent. You recognize that easily-irritated, highly-impatient, unrealistically-demanding character flaws are impairing your ability to do so. Ah yes. The admission of weakness. Asking God to fulfill his promise to make weak things become strong. Trusting He is capable of increasing your own capabilities. And then letting Him join you in the daily grind of it all.
#4. Back to the parenting part. Four steps; perhaps easier said than done, but certainly worth attempting. (Here's where I reflect back on my stellar outlining skills. Already used numbers, now I use lower case letters):
a) Take a deep breath. Pause to collect your thoughts. (Child is really ticking me off. Still love
child. Want family to be happy. Breathe in, breathe out.)
b) Think of the formula.
"Correction is an opportunity for a teaching moment for one in need by one who is needed." c) Teach your child, and invite them to change. "It's a bummer that you felt it was okay to
eat potato chips on the couch. Unfortunately, this shows me that you have a hard time
remembering the rules about eating in our home, so there won't be any more potato chips
for you for awhile. I'd like you to think about our family rules. Will you make an
effort to stick to them?" Sounds dorky, but it's certainly preferable to "ARE YOU
FREAKIN KIDDING ME? POTATO CHIPS ON THE COUCH? GIMME THAT BAG
AND GET IN YOUR ROOM. NO MORE TV FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH!"
d) End on a positive note, even a compliment. "Hey, I appreciate the way you listened to
what I just asked you to do. You're a great kid and I'm glad I can count on you to be
obedient."
We don't want punishment; we want natural consequences. We want to get our hearts to a place where the little day to day trials can be handled with compassion; where we recognize that 'Hey, this poor kid screwed up a little today, so let me give him a pat on the back and remind him he can do better.' The key is that instead of anger and frustration, both the parent and the child feel at peace after the interaction.
Bottom line: some days I get this. Some days I even do pretty well with it. And other days, I don't. I'm just trying to keep the former from outnumbering the latter, while learning to listen to the Lord in the process. I think that's a decent enough goal. Plus, I heard it said that while we value the results of correction, God values the process. Someone wanna cross-stitch that for me?
