Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!  Several people had trouble opening the link when I emailed it to you, so I'll just post it up here instead.  Hope your holiday was wonderful.


Merry Christmas, from Skip and Andrea from andrea b on Vimeo.

Responding to Tragedy

Everyone handles tragedy in their own ways.  Some people are completely enveloped by it, immersing themselves in every story, photo, and video related to the event.  Others choose to avoid the continual barrage of media coverage, while still fully understanding the magnitude of what has happened.  To some extent, however, we all react with the same emotions; there is anger, confusion, sorrow, and true grief. 

Is it even possible to make sense of what is senseless?  Social media is ablaze with people trying to do just that, from one extreme to the next.  One friend says he'll tweak if he hears anyone say this was part of a divine plan, while another friend writes a poem about the children as angels.  Is one right and the other wrong?  I work in an elementary school.  I know children take their cues from adults, and feel an increased responsibility to make sure mine are accurate and honest, while still being measured and sincere.  Laying in bed on Friday night, I gave in to my tears and asked my husband, "Can you imagine as a parent, showing up at the meeting place to reunite with your child, and not seeing them among the survivors?"  The thought makes my heart pound and my body sweat.  My husband replied, "Why would I want to imagine that?"  My first thought was to tell him he is insensitive and disconnected.  But then I realized, he has dealt with horrific tragedies in war, and his own emotional well-being is based on an ability to disconnect from things he cannot control. 

I have a friend whose husband is dying of cancer.  They have three sons still at home, and he was in the prime of his career when diagnosed.  My cousin's 3 year old daughter is dying from a disease I am completely unfamiliar with, and every day she she loses a little more of the child she gave birth to.  Another friend recently lost her unborn twin sons.  I have sat with recently-widowed military wives, who will now raise children without fathers.  Are their situations any better or worse than the tragedy in Connecticut?  Tragedy is a part of this life.  We cannot control it.  It forms in our cells and grows to diseased tumors.  It walks through our doors with weapons and rage.  It is real, and most of us spend our days bargaining with God to let it pass us by in exchange for our compassion and support towards those whom it hits.

And perhaps that is the best we can do... measure our response to tragedy so that we do our part to try and provide balance on this scale of good vs. bad.  There is a quote that has become an integral part of our Coping Tool Kit.  Mr. Rogers tells us that his mother encouraged him as a child to look for the helpers in the times of tragedy.  We find solace in this idea because it provides a little of that balance that we ache for when our scale has been tipped so severely to the bad.  So regardless of whether you cope by joining a candlelight vigil, writing a poem, or asking people not to explain it as part of a divine plan... it really doesn't matter.  What matters is what you do after that.  What will you do to rebalance the scale?  I truly believe that it is not until you have stepped into the very cavern of Hell, that you long to find a way to reach for the higher realms of Heaven.

A Wicked Winnah

I went to my oldest son's graduation from middle school today.  His class is so large, that they divide them into 3 groups and stretch the ceremony out over 3 days.  Fine by me. I only have to go once, and the less kids, the better.  But here's the thing.  This ceremony lasted for 2 1/2 hours.  I would say, at the most, half an hour of that was given to the band and the choir.  "Well then, Andrea, what did you do for the remaining two hours?" you ask. 
Funny you should ask. 

You know what I did?  I watched more or less the same 21 kids (out of a couple hundred) get award after award after award.  I am all for rewarding hard work.  Made the honor roll?  High five, here's your certificate.  Clap, clap, clap.  But every individual subject created an award to hand out.  For example:
English:  "These students have shown an extra ability to use words in both creative and critical thinking."
Science:  "These students have adeptly handled beakers and gone on field trips."
Art:  "These students have shown extra skill in art."
Math:  "These students have demonstrated a working knowledge of equations, as well as strong computation skills."

And that literally only scratches the surface.  I'm not positive, but I'm fairly certain that I heard awards for such skills as "showing up at school", "high lunch attendance,"  and "having a pulse."   And of course there was a main body of about 21 kids who received one of every award.  Each award then had an additional 10-20 recipients randomly peppered in with the overachievers. 

*My son received no awards.  Slacker.

It felt a teeny tiny bit like overkill to me.  Kind of like the "every kid gets a trophy" at the end of parks and rec soccer season.  Ummm... what did they win, exactly?  I'm not necessarily saying we need to make everyone feel like a poo-bag for not coming in first,
but does anyone even know what it feels like to lose anymore?  This past year, at the Cub Scout's Whinewood Derby, when my 10 year old realized he was going to come in just about last, he said, "Can we just leave before they give me some stupid certificate that says my car is the most red?"

He's catching on. 

I'll Buy That For a Dollar.

I went grocery shopping today.  In front of me were two women and a man, with a lot of groceries.  I'm trying to think how to say this tactfully, but I can't, so I'll just say it.  They seemed unwashed and poor.  When it came time to pay for their things, they didn't have enough cash.  I felt bad, and offered to pay for the difference.  They were immediately embarrassed, which wasn't my intent, and they refused to accept the offer.  They began removing items from their purchase, and I tried to avert my gaze to save us all the discomfort.  Unfortunately, there wasn't much else for me to look at since, as a geographical bachelorette, I have no need for Cosmo's 169 Mind-Blowing Sex Moves, nor do I care about Bo and Hope's latest from Soap Opera Digest.  So I shifted my attention back to their purchase.

I am not actually rude enough to snap a picture of their groceries, but it looked almost exactly like this:

We all know my argument about "real" food vs. synthetic food.  But these people did not have a single fresh fruit or vegetable on the belt.  There were six cases of soda.  They were returning their big ticket items, which were frozen lasagnas and frozen pizzas.  There was no fresh meat.  Everything was processed.  One of the women was on an electric cart and was very overweight.

I won't lie.  There was a time when I would have been disgusted by this.  I would have judged them as lazy and incompetent.  But today, all I felt was sad.  Maybe they don't have the means to prepare food.  Or more likely, maybe they really don't know how.  Maybe no one ever taught them how to cook.  And while in all likelihood, they are well aware of the fact that an apple is healthier than a Suzy-Q, when it comes right down to it, 8 Suzy-Q's are indeed cheaper than 8 apples. 

I wanted to say, "Hey, instead of paying for your groceries, how about if I teach you how to shop and cook?"  And even though I would have sincerely meant that offer, I figured it would come across as condescending and presumptuous.  People make snide remarks about Michelle Obama's "interference" in the nation's diet and lifestyle choices.  But I absolutely believe nutrition education is dying.   Home Ec programs have been cut from most schools, and nutrition is glossed over in the curriculum because we need to get those math, science and reading scores up in time for testing!  We are bombarded with convenient snacks and fast meals, and in our crazy on-the-go lives, they absolutely make things much easier.  My concern is that people are not learning to differentiate between grabbing a couple frozen pizzas at the end of a hectic day, and buying 14 frozen meals to last two weeks' worth of supper.  

Anyway.  I felt frustrated and disappointed by this experience.  Do I think the government should tell people how and what to eat?  No.  But I absolutely believe they should assume responsibility for ensuring that nutrition education is available to everyone, and that healthy food choices are an affordable option across the board.

The Shape of Me

This song has been in my head a lot recently.  I am continually amazed at those who shape me, my life, and the lives of my children.  Two of my friends called a couple months back and said "How about if we come out around mother's day?"  Ummm... how about absolutely yes??!  I hate that we live so far apart, that our kids don't know each other, and that life flies by us faster than I can keep up with.  So they came.  And we decided to head to the coast for the weekend.  I have another friend, just as wonderful as Dawn and Tiff, who said, "Hey, I would love to keep your kids for you."  She is selfless and generous, and threw my kids right in with hers.  It's hard for me to leave my kids because there are so few people who can manage the little bundle of challenges that come with that task.  So Melissa, thank you, for being one of them.




My life, like all of ours, has been shaped by bumps and challenges.  At every point along the way, there have been people who have helped me figure out who I am, face my fears, embrace my successes.  It is particularly significant to have friends who have known and loved you before and after a major life changing event.  They help you see what you may not have seen before, and help you negotiate meaning in uncertainty.  Friends who do this for you are a blessing. 

As I often point out, I am also fortunate to be married to a man who can hold both my hand and my heart.  There are bumps in this path we walk together, and I would never want to do this without him.  Tonight, I was exhausted.  Three days to catch up with my girlz doesn't lend itself to much sleeping.  I am tired from worrying if my husband will be safe when he travels the roads and air of that God forsaken country.  One of my kids, who held it together like a champ while I took a night away, had to release the anxiety tonight that he'd felt while I was gone, and it wasn't pretty.  I was up late last night in the ER with my little girl, who broke her arm.  In spite of a wonderful 3 days, stuff caught up with me tonight.  And it was hard.  Really hard.  And then he called.  And I felt the shape of us; the shape that is familiar and soothing and fits like no other shape.  He reminds me I am not alone, that I've got all the strength I need in the shape of us.  He shows me how, together, we move through to where we need to be. 

There is good to be found.  It is as real as the hard stuff, and far more worth looking for.  So thanks to my friends, who are so much a part of all that good.  And thank you, Skip, for being the very foundation of all that is good in my life.  We have built our world in the shape of us, and it's really good.

Granola Bar Balls

I recently asked on FB if anyone had some good suggestions for high protein, low fat snacks that my teenager can eat after he lifts at the gym with me before school.  One of my friends sent me a link for these little "Energy Bites", a no-bake, mini-version of a granola bar.  I tweaked the recipe a little, and here's what I came up with.

First of all, use mini chocolate chips instead of regular sized ones.  Trust me, this is a better choice.

Mix together:
2 c dry oats
1/2 c chocolate chips
1/2 c ground flaxseed
1 c peanut butter
2/3 c honey
2 t vanilla
1/2 c craisins






You want to really mix that all together well.  It takes some elbow grease and about 5-7 minutes.  After you get it mixed up well, you want to roll them into balls about the size of a Dunkin Donuts Munchkin.  That way, when you are eating them, you can pretend they are filled with jelly and sprinkled with sugar.  Pop them in the fridge for a little bit so they chill and set.  I had 3 teenage boys at my counter while I was making these, and I had to keep slapping their hands to keep them from eating them all.  They're really yummy, and very healthy.  And while I do realize teenage boys eat just about anything, when they eat HEALTHY stuff, that's a bonus.

I Love Him.

I have recently dealt with some really unpleasant people. People who, when they did not get their way, yelled at me. It's actually happened three times recently. And all three times, the rude people were men. One guy had the nerve to yell at me because I asked him to drive more slowly down our street, where upwards of 30 children were outside playing. Not only did he get upset, but he pulled his car over, got out, and came and got in my face.

Make no mistake. I can handle these people just fine. I actually take some strange sense of pride in remaining unruffled by their childish behavior, and watching them de-escalate based on what I say to them. It's really not much different than behavior management in my elementary school classroom... it's just the boys are pretending to be men. But here's what all this has done for me. It's reinforced for me what a remarkable man I married.

We had a really special time while he was home. Of course we had our initial bumps. It's hard to jump back into family life when your family life has found a new kind of normal. Also, the things you disagreed on 8 months ago, you will probably still disagree on. You're still a Democrat, he's still a Republican. The Lakers and the Celtics are still rivals. You still don't mind 100 kids from the neighborhood in and out of the house, he just might.

But I love this man. I love that everything I have asked him to bend or compromise on, he has tried to. He has strong opinions, as do I. We have a blended family. We're raising teenagers and kids with special needs. We have ex-spouses to deal with. We're in the Army. There is a lot for us to butt heads over. And believe me, we do. But at the end of the day, it's me and him, making it all work. I've said it before- I have an immense respect for the man he has chosen to be. I listen to him pray for our children, give thanks for our marriage, and ask me for my input on so many things, and I know that he is genuinely good. It's an easy contrast to make from a man who yells at you because your child bounces a basketball too loudly near his window. My husband is remarkable, and even though I realize I'm probably being a little extra emotional because I miss him so much, I also don't think my feelings come as a surprise to anyone. I really love him.

A Piece of Eternity

It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks. There is so much I want to write about, I don't even know where to start. I'll just pick what has been, for me, the ultimate highlight.

While Skip was home for his 2 weeks' leave, we had all five of our kids for spring break. We had an opportunity to take our oldest 3 to the temple to do baptisms for the dead. There are so many difficult things to deal with in a divorce situation. Even under ideal circumstances, which we do not have, kids can feel so torn between families. We often worry about how this affects our children, and pray for their well-being as well as the wisdom to teach and guide them.

As we sat with our teenagers together in the temple, I felt peace and reassurance in my heart that God has everything under control. We have our bumps to navigate, and I imagine they will be pretty bumpy from time to time; but there is comfort to be found in knowing that we navigate it all with the direction of a loving Heavenly Father.

We are going to be more than okay.

Also, everyone willingly jumped in for family pictures, and we got some nice ones. This two weeks has flown by, and I get teary every time I even think about heading back to the airport. But having had all our kids' spring breaks line up AND fall in line with Skip's leave was nothing short of a miracle. We are growing together, making our place with one another, and finding what it is for us to be a family. I recognize God's hand along the way, and am grateful.

Whitney

What is it about the death of a celebrity, or otherwise famous public figure, that moves us so deeply? How can we feel the loss of someone that was never really ours to lose? I cried yesterday, and intermittently today thinking about Whitney Houston's death. I wondered whether I was crying for the loss of a life, or for the loss of her talent. I've never met Whitney, and even if I had, it would've been no more than a chance encounter between performer and fan. There would not have been a friendship, or any continued interaction to bind us together. And yet, I feel some type of grief at her death. I felt this way about Michael Jackson, Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez, and John Denver.

There is a certain power in music that enmeshes it with our very souls. There is not a time period in my life that I can't fill with a musical history. I agree not everyone is as affected, moved, or influenced by music as others. But I absolutely believe you can be if you let yourself. I remember my friend's mom took us to see Whitney Houston in Providence, RI when I was about 12 years old. It was my first pop concert, and I couldn't believe how beautiful this woman was, and how awesome it was to hear her music so loudly! I also remember it was the first time I smelled pot. Somehow, I just knew what it was. The whole experience is a memory etched into my mind, even though I can no longer describe many of the details.

The life of a celebrity must be so difficult. The money, the houses, the luxuries...they seem appealing. But they come at such a cost. You spend your life singing, or dancing, or playing your instrument, because you love it so much. People pay you to do it! Then they demand that you do it. And because they buy your records, they feel entitled to dictate how your life should look. They feel entitled to claim your privacy. And now, this thing that you have always loved becomes co-owned by your fans. You have no life. The pressure must be unbelievable.

Whitney Houston was a phenomenally talented singer. I don't know a thing about her as a person, other than what the media wants me to know. All my opinions about her as a person are shaped by the media, and there is no way they could ever truly portray who she is. Even personal interviews are edited, scripted, and cut to paint a very controlled image. I have a heart full of sympathy and compassion for the struggles she faced. The demons that must have been such a part of her addictions... I can't even fathom. But I also have respect and admiration for the doors she opened for Black female artists. I appreciate her talent, and the many ways it is a part of my life. I am grateful for the emotions she has made me feel.

I hope that her soul is at rest, free from the heaviness she must have carried in her life. Most importantly, however, I hope that her legacy of beautiful music is never overshadowed by the mess that has been so public for so long.

"There comes a point when we exhale..."

Rest in Peace... Whitney Houston... February 11, 2012

Calling All Travellers!

Here's the deal. I would really like to plan an amazing getaway when my man gets home. Part of me doesn't want to travel too far, because we'd use up all our budget on airfare. But I also want to go somewhere nice, with a beautiful beach and a comfy place to stay. I'm not really sure how our time will work out, juggling kids between visitations, but we know that we have to take some time for ourselves to reconnect. A year is a long, long time to be apart.

So tell me. Where have you been? Where would you go? Are all-inclusives worthwhile? Or maybe do you own a little place that you want to rent us? We have a timeshare we can use, but so far nothing has jumped out at me. And for the record... Hawaii is not an option.

So.

Gimme your best.

I Don't Know How You Do It!

People say that to me a lot. "How do you manage it all with your husband deployed?" At first, my narcissistic side thought, "Well clearly it's because I'm awesome." But if you think about it, what the heck else are you going to do? Stay in bed all day? Pretend you don't have kids or a home or responsibilities? I mean literally, life goes on, and you have to continue managing it, whether you're self-appointed awesome or not.


There are, however a few tricks, tips, and schools of thought that do indeed make it easier to navigate any life challenge with resilience. Let's see if I can sum them up.

1. Prayer. If you're not religious or spiritual, then you won't gain as much from this one. But as I've said repeatedly, I have had days where I felt stronger than my own strength, and I know it came from those prayers offered on my behalf. My ability to remain positive, optimistic, and focused is increased by Divine power. Look for it, identify it, and appreciate it.

2. Self-assessment. Identify your strengths and weaknesses. We all have some that are very specific to us. Any on these lists that you identify with?

It's important to know what you're good at, as well as what you struggle with. If you don't know your strengths, how will you capitalize on them? And if you don't know your weaknesses... wait, let me rephrase that. We all KNOW our weaknesses. Painfully so. But if we don't acknowledge them as realities, then how can we overcome them? Get to know yourself. In a brutally honest way. Then, work with what you have.

3. Maintain Perspective. I once took a course that suggested when you are confronted with "bad news" of any kind, to immediately make a three-fold mental list. First: Worst case scenario. Second: Best case scenario. Third: Most likely reality. The three will never be the same, and more often than not, the most likely reality will indeed be the most likely reality. Be dramatic with your best and worst, because it makes the reality seem more appealing. Here's a little exercise you can try.

Scenario: Your bank account should be reading with a few more numbers than just zero.

Worst case: You are the victim of identity theft. Someone has hacked into your entire life, stolen all your money, passwords, and probably also the racy pictures you sent your husband. You will be financially ruined, and never get a job again after the pictures circulate on the internet.

Best case: Publishers' Clearinghouse is now working electronically, and when they secretly set up an account with your bank for your winnings, the bank went ahead and transferred your existing funds into the new account. You're set for life.

Most likely scenario: The bank's server is down for a few hours, and your transaction balance is unavailable.

Do you see the point here? Try to squelch any unnecessary anxiety by giving it a voice, balanced with humor. It really works.

4. Energy Management. When you are in a challenging situation, your stress level is higher. There are biological factors at play, which you have to get under control or they will rule you. Not sleeping well? Not eating well? No exercise? Good luck, kimosabe! Oh, and you still think you can swing cookies for the bake sale, getting your kids to all their activities, keeping your house clean, maintaining the laundry, grocery shopping, maybe a part or full time job in there... yeah. Not happening. Just yesterday, someone asked me to drop a book off at someone else's house. I said, "You know, I would love to say yes I'll do this, but the chances of it sitting on my floor for 2 weeks are pretty good. I'm sorry. I can't do it." Could I make an effort to prioritize better, organize better, and ensure that it gets done? Absolutely! But that requires more energy on my part; one more thing for me to have to throw on the pile. And it's not worth it at this time in my life. So while a teeny part of me felt pathetic for not being able to deliver a book, the realist in me was so thankful that I was honest.

5. Say Yes. Now I realize I just advised you to say no a little more often, and this may seem contradictory. But here's when it works: When people offer to help you. If someone says, "Hey, let me run the kids to practice for you tonight," they wouldn't be offering if they didn't genuinely want to help. Sure you can continue to be Super-Person, and try to do it all yourself. Or you could let the neighbor run the kids for you, and use that time to throw some dishes in the dishwasher, return a couple emails, or sit on the couch and do nothing. And get over yourself while you're at it. Who do you think you are, anyway? If you're out there trying to be the person who does it all, not only are you lying to yourself, but you're making the rest of us look bad. So cut the crap and accept some help. You're not as awesome as you think you are, Andrea.

What are your survival tips for tough times?