Working the Meeting

I've mentioned in the past that I have a child who struggles behaviorally. This same child is also the first to offer a helping hand, reach out to someone in need, and display compassion and love. But something in his brain prevents him from always being able to regulate his behavior. I worry that my amazing, remarkable child will be lost to everyone else by his sometimes offensive and defiant behavior. School has been a struggle this year; between the deployment, and other personal family issues, he has not performed "optimally" across the board.

After a few too many phone calls home, it became apparent to me that we needed to all get on the same page. I called the school, scheduled a meeting with all the necessary parties involved, and figured I had this thing on lockdown. Then, the night before, I had a nasty dose of anxiety. What if I cried through the whole meeting? What if they thought I was a bad mom and this was all my fault? They certainly wouldn't be the first. What if they decided they had done all they could? What if we were all just out of ideas? What if they judged me as being incompetent, and realized I would never be a good potential hire in this district? What if we failed my son?? And how in the world would I have the strength to discuss such important issues without my husband's hand to hold?

Here's how it all went: just fine.

I realized a lot of important things today. If you ever have to deal with the school on your child's behalf, consider these points:

1. Always assume the school is on your team. Even if they have approached the situation differently from how you would have liked in the past, assume they have your child's best interests in mind, and are willing to work with you. This will be true more often than not.

2. Establish your own support system. Reach out to friends who have done this before. Throw up a Facebook post asking for support. Work with your spouse, as best as your situation allows, to map out your game plan. Focus on the positive things that people believe about you, because it will allow you to more clearly believe that positive results are possible.

3. Stack your deck. Reach out to counselors, doctors, and other specialists who work with your child. Invite their expertise as part of the process. They can provide missing pieces in the puzzle you are all collectively working to solve. Have them in attendance, or on speaker phone, or have them provide you with a write up of their observations and recommendations.

4. Dress the part. If you show up looking like you don't care, that may be how you are perceived and prioritized. Dress for success is more than a trite cliche. It says that details matter to you, and that you take the situation seriously.

5. Don't discount your experience as a parent. You work with your own child day in and day out. You have seen what works, and what doesn't. You know what motivates them and what sets them off. Be forthcoming with that information, but don't be confrontational. Sometimes, it can feel easy to point fingers at those you feel aren't doing a good enough job with your child. While there is always room for improvement, people are generally doing the best they can.

6. Draw up a game plan before the meeting's end. Be sure to answer the questions

• What specific issues are we targeting?


• Who will work directly with my child?


• How will we monitor the progress?

Sometimes this will be done through an IEP or a 504 plan. I am still debating whether or not this is the right approach for us. But if not, treat it almost as if it were such. Write down the specifics, and keep on top of it over the following weeks.

A big thank you to all my friends who reached out and said "You got this, Andrea." And of course, my husband, who made every effort to be present (hello, speaker phone!) and hold my hand... there is no one else I'd rather have on my team. You are one in a million. I know we will modify and revisit as we go on this, but we have a great principal, teacher, and other staff who I believe truly want the best for my child. There is a lot of reassurance in that.

TWENTY

So this past weekend, I went to my 20th high school reunion. We held it at Gillette Stadium, home of the New England Patriots. Oh, and the Revolution, but who watches soccer?

To say I had fun is an understatement. I have to say that at every turn in my life, God has placed HILARIOUS, witty, sharp people in my path. I have really amazing friends.

Here is what I think most people can expect from a successful reunion:

1. The girls will have aged far better than the guys. No offense guys. The number of fit women will far surpass the number of fit men. The number of bald heads will also be greater for the males than the females. phew!

2. Getting together with some friends before the reunion for din-din is a good idea. It will help put you all at ease, making the transition into the actual reunion much smoother.

3. Some people will get drunk. They will say really funny things that make you laugh. They will then repeat those same things for 2-3 hours, at which point you will transition from laughing WITH them to laughing AT them. You will still love them dearly, and not judge, because that's what friends do. But you will make fun of them on Facebook the next day... which is fine, because they are probably already making fun of themselves. Either way, you will find a renewed appreciation for your religious restrictions if you have any.

4. You will realize how much you under appreciated many people's talents in high school. You will be thankful that you grew up a bit, because the ability to blow the saxophone while people pay you, or discuss nuclear rocket science, or any other such talent that seemed "lame" in high school, will now be something you slightly envy.

5. People usually marry well. Meaning it will be pleasantly surprising how many spouses you find yourself enjoying. Even still, you will probably be glad your spouse didn't come, because if they don't know anyone, it can be a long, lame night listening to you reminisce with strangers. Plus, more people came without their spouses than with, thus making it additionally lame for the spouse who doesn't know anyone, because there aren't even many other spouses with whom to commiserate.

6. Dan and Steve will always, ALWAYS be able to make you laugh. And in spite of them still behaving like teenagers, they will be remarkably gentlemanlike and keep your glass filled all evening. You will love seeing how they turned out. And Amy Mahtin will still have the most unappreciated sense of humor in the world. All three of them will make you laugh so hard that you have to sit down or cross your legs or massage your aching face.

7. After about ten minutes of thinking "Wow. You look so different." You will suddenly realize, "Wow. You look exactly the same." It's a strange phenomenon, but you will totally experience it.

8. All of the things that mattered so much in high school no longer exist, and it is remarkable how much you can enjoy talking to people you haven't seen in twenty years. The night will not seem long enough.

9. Your dearest friends will still be your dearest friends. You have kept in touch with them for a reason, and spending time with them always reminds you just why.

10. If you decide to continue the party at a club for which there is a cover charge and a line to get in, you may want to reconsider. Your ability to continue the conversations will be hindered by really loud music, and you will realize that it is, indeed, past your bedtime.

I think in spite of the massive undertaking it is to plan a reunion, it should be done every five instead of every ten years. There are good times to be had, and at least in this case, fabulous people to see. Much thanks to everyone for a much needed night out, and a seriously wicked good time.

An Observation on Single Parenting

I've done a lot of "real" single parenting in my time, as well as "parenting-while-the-husband-is-gone" parenting. There is a difference, because when you are a true single parent, you have no one to lean on for emotional support in raising your children. When you are a geographically single parent, you can at least call your spouse and lay guilt trips on him when you need to vent.

Here's my observation on kids who come from a house without a dad around:

Generally speaking, they are a total pain in the ass.

I get it. We're all adjusting, coping, managing, doing the best we can with our situation. But these little demons are so stinking relentless! I consider myself a pretty resilient parent. I am diligent in applying my Love and Logic skills, and usually find fair amounts of success in meeting my goals.

But when the male presence is gone from the house? We all fall to pieces. I am impatient, intolerant, and irritable as a parent. They, in turn, are disobedient, lazy, and seriously annoying. Sure we have our good moments. I'd dare say we actually do a fairly decent job most of the time. But every couple of weeks or so, it's like we hit a snag. And the hits just keep on coming.

Photographic metaphors may help:

I lead my children. I like them to walk beside me, smiling, as I tell them all the important things they need to know. They should be generally willing to do this. Did I mention the smiling? There is an overall harmonious tandem. This is what I seek after.

Instead, it sometimes feels like this:

Observe my son, under a pile of human determination. I kinda feel like this... my kids are very determined to keep their rooms messy, avoid doing their homework, slack on their chores, and wear dirty clothes as often as possible. I am at the bottom of the determined heap, knowing I should cast off a few bodies, but lacking the wiggle room to do so.

Then I get these bursts of motivation and positivity. My son made a fabulous tackle here, and stopped a touchdown. I look at my kids as being the opposing team. I have to stop them from scoring. Bad approach to parenting? Perhaps. But it's every man for himself right now.

And here's my other son, blocking a guy much larger and slightly stronger than he is. I'm outnumbered by these kids. It's 3 to 1. The odds are not in my favor. But if you know how to execute the moves properly, size need not prevent you from winning. I have not quite figured out how to do this, other than grabbing on for dear life and pushing back. This usually comes in the form of irritated yelling.

So there you have it. I have tumbled from my parenting pedestal. I used to be good. Now, I'm only good when things go my way. When the kids try to take advantage of me being by myself, they kinda win. I mean, I win in the end because I scream til they obey, or I hide their things to make them feel remorseful. But it's a cheap victory.