Working the Meeting

I've mentioned in the past that I have a child who struggles behaviorally. This same child is also the first to offer a helping hand, reach out to someone in need, and display compassion and love. But something in his brain prevents him from always being able to regulate his behavior. I worry that my amazing, remarkable child will be lost to everyone else by his sometimes offensive and defiant behavior. School has been a struggle this year; between the deployment, and other personal family issues, he has not performed "optimally" across the board.

After a few too many phone calls home, it became apparent to me that we needed to all get on the same page. I called the school, scheduled a meeting with all the necessary parties involved, and figured I had this thing on lockdown. Then, the night before, I had a nasty dose of anxiety. What if I cried through the whole meeting? What if they thought I was a bad mom and this was all my fault? They certainly wouldn't be the first. What if they decided they had done all they could? What if we were all just out of ideas? What if they judged me as being incompetent, and realized I would never be a good potential hire in this district? What if we failed my son?? And how in the world would I have the strength to discuss such important issues without my husband's hand to hold?

Here's how it all went: just fine.

I realized a lot of important things today. If you ever have to deal with the school on your child's behalf, consider these points:

1. Always assume the school is on your team. Even if they have approached the situation differently from how you would have liked in the past, assume they have your child's best interests in mind, and are willing to work with you. This will be true more often than not.

2. Establish your own support system. Reach out to friends who have done this before. Throw up a Facebook post asking for support. Work with your spouse, as best as your situation allows, to map out your game plan. Focus on the positive things that people believe about you, because it will allow you to more clearly believe that positive results are possible.

3. Stack your deck. Reach out to counselors, doctors, and other specialists who work with your child. Invite their expertise as part of the process. They can provide missing pieces in the puzzle you are all collectively working to solve. Have them in attendance, or on speaker phone, or have them provide you with a write up of their observations and recommendations.

4. Dress the part. If you show up looking like you don't care, that may be how you are perceived and prioritized. Dress for success is more than a trite cliche. It says that details matter to you, and that you take the situation seriously.

5. Don't discount your experience as a parent. You work with your own child day in and day out. You have seen what works, and what doesn't. You know what motivates them and what sets them off. Be forthcoming with that information, but don't be confrontational. Sometimes, it can feel easy to point fingers at those you feel aren't doing a good enough job with your child. While there is always room for improvement, people are generally doing the best they can.

6. Draw up a game plan before the meeting's end. Be sure to answer the questions

• What specific issues are we targeting?


• Who will work directly with my child?


• How will we monitor the progress?

Sometimes this will be done through an IEP or a 504 plan. I am still debating whether or not this is the right approach for us. But if not, treat it almost as if it were such. Write down the specifics, and keep on top of it over the following weeks.

A big thank you to all my friends who reached out and said "You got this, Andrea." And of course, my husband, who made every effort to be present (hello, speaker phone!) and hold my hand... there is no one else I'd rather have on my team. You are one in a million. I know we will modify and revisit as we go on this, but we have a great principal, teacher, and other staff who I believe truly want the best for my child. There is a lot of reassurance in that.