Half of My Heart

Today was a tough day. We're doing remarkably well... we're very, very busy with both boys in football, school starting back up for me, and also I've taken a little job substituting. It's all really great, and keeps us so busy we don't have time to be lonely. But there are off days, and today was one. All I want right now is to lay down in the arms of my husband, knowing that there's nowhere else either of us would rather be. He is such a good man, and I am lucky to be loved by him. I'm so in love with you, baby...

This Is It. The Final Destination. You May Now Move Freely About The Cabin...

Does this look a teeny tiny bit like paradise to you? As well it should. The plane took me from Atlanta to Boise, Idaho. Once there, I met up with Ms. Ilene, who is a gem, and we headed north to THE CABIN.

THE CABIN is owned by Robin, and she graciously invited us to spend some time up there. By us, of course, I mean the people you see in this picture:

Paige, Kristen, Kimberly, Tristan, Ilene, Sally, Robin, Celia and Me.

I have gotten to know these women over the past four years or so, and have turned to them for advice, a listening ear, and a good laugh. They have come through repeatedly. A few of us are missing here, and I know we would've had even more fun had they been able to come. That's saying a lot, because we had a really, really great time.

This river runs right alongside the cabin. It was restful, quiet, and the weather was perfect. We ate so much delicious, fresh food, enjoyed the campfire, and got a little crazy playing games.

One of the highlights for me was white water rafting. I've never done it before, and I'm not a great swimmer. As it turns out, the life vest is a very simple solution. And mockery is a very effective motivator. No one was going to let me get away with chickening out, and in the end, I was grateful.

Tristan is a cosmetologist. (aesthetician? hair stylist? make up guru? You can check out her work here and then figure out what to call her.) So she did makeup on everyone, which seems funny when you're out in the wilderness to put on a full face of makeup. But we knocked the local town dead when we showed up in our camping attire and hottie faces to their local production of Singin' In The Rain.

We are all very different from each other, and come from a variety of places. But such a diverse group of women really have a lot to offer one another, and I am so grateful for their friendship.

The sad part of this post is that my camera was dying, literally, and so I didn't get as great of pictures as I'd have liked. I'm now getting a new camera, which should come this week, and I'm happy about that.

So that's it, folks. One of the most amazing summers a woman could possibly ask for. I still feel edified by it all, able to tap into more positive energy than usual. Like tonight, I yelled at my kid. Then a little while after, I actually felt BAD! So I went back for a do-over.

Phew. Here's to hoping it gets me through the year to come. I can't say thank you enough to all the friends and family who opened their homes to me this summer, who have both loved me AND liked me, and who have reminded me that life is really pretty awesome.

Rollin Through the ATL...

Has anyone other than me noticed that recently, it's become extremely trendy to refer to Atlanta as "The ATL"?? Of course because I'm hip and savvy, I'll do it too.

After Massachusetts, we "swung by" Georgia. My parents dropped me off there, probably thrilled to finally be rid of me, and I spent a few delightful days with some long time family friends. I can honestly say I have never been anywhere so humid in all my life. The air was so wet, I felt like I could actually lick it. I even tried, which ended with me probably looking like an idiot.



Tara and Andy and I grew up together. Our families are all close friends, and we've known each other for a long time. They got married, which is always cute in my book... marrying someone with whom you have a far-reaching history. If they loved you through high school, you've pretty much got it made, because people only get better from there, right? One of my favorite memories of Andy is playing "At This Moment" by Billy Vera, me on the piano and him on his sax. He was pretty good on the sax, which made me sound pretty good on the piano. My memories with Tara are so numerous, I could never even begin to list them all. I will say, however, there were times when both furniture and laws were broken, and now here we are, all grown up and responsible. There's hope for everyone.

Paul and Valerie are Tara's parents. If there is one thing I have been surrounded by in my life, it's good humor. Almost everyone I consider a dear friend has a remarkable ability to find humor in both good and bad times. This may be one of the most significant things that has shaped the person I have become. Paul and Valerie are no exception. As a matter of fact, they're probably just about at the top of the list. I blame them for at least 40% of the laugh lines currently etched into my face.


Tara and I had a great time catching up. We celebrated her birthday, and spent the day at a delightful art gallery in Marietta.

There was a semi-interesting Civil War exhibit,

and this piece of art which actually made me feel something. I am not really much of an art aficionado. As a matter of fact, given that I usually feel nothing when looking at most art, I may actually be an art aficionada. Ba-dump-bump! But this painting grabbed my heart. I felt like there were people I knew who could have been the subject of this piece, and there was emotion all over the canvas.

The time I spent with these friends went far too quickly, and every minute was filled with conversation, laughter, and appreciation for one another. It felt wonderful.

When I got to the the airport in THE ATL, I met up with blogger extraordinaire, LAUREN FROM GEORGIA. If you blog, you probably know Lauren, because she probably reads your blog. She also probably leaves the most flattering and observant comments you've ever received, which strokes your ego in such a way that you leave feeling both edified and conceited. It's a gift she has. Anyway. We spent several hours just visiting over lunch, and she was every bit as kind, generous and gracious in person as she is in blogland. It was great to finally meet her, and I was also pleased to verify her existence to the rest of my friends.

One more stop...and the chronicles are over. Which is good, because I really need to blog about how much money I saved on back-to-school supplies this year.

CAPE COD!

While we were in Massachusetts, we went to see my auntie and uncle, as we say, down the cape. It was absolutely gorgeous. The weather was perfect, and my auntie and uncle can make you laugh until your face hurts. My Auntie Alice is my grandmother's sister. My mom's family all comes from St. Lucia, and have lived between there and Boston for longer than I can remember. My Uncle John is from Greece, and will regale you with endless stories regarding a certain prom queen, aesthetically sensitive neighbors, and the AstroTurf given to him compliments of Bob Kraft.

Uncle John takes his little boat out, sets lobster traps in the morning, and by afternoon, you can find yourself glutting on the ocean's finest. We spent most of the afternoon just sitting on the porch, looking out at the ocean, eating and laughing.

Cape Cod is beautiful. Uncle John asked me if I wanted to wake up early the next morning to watch the sunrise with him. It was breathtaking. It was soul-soothing to be with my family, in such a peaceful place. Something about the unconditional love of family and dear friends really does a lot to build who you are as a person. I have been blessed in both departments.

Each time I write a post about part of my vacation, I feel like that experience in and of itself would be enough. My whole summer was just one amazing trip after the next, filled with friends and family, and fortifying experiences. I kept telling Skip that I wished there was a way I could bottle it all up, so when the year starts to get stressful or tiring, I could open the bottle and take a refreshing hit off my summer memories.

Anyway. Hopefully you're not insanely bored of my travelogue yet... especially because I'm only about halfway finished. If you are, I promise to try and be done in the next few weeks, and return you to our regularly scheduled overly-snarky, semi-whiny programming.

So THEN...

After our week at the Outer Banks, the kids and I drove out to my parents' in western NC. We stayed there a few days, and then I put them on a plane for their father's. Imagine me now, sans kids, husband, job, responsibility... where would YOU go if you were me? You would go to the place that always makes your heart warm. You would go home. Home is two places for me... it's wherever my husband and kids are, but it's also where I grew up... Massachusetts.

I lived almost my whole life in the same house. I grew up with friends who were always like family to us. As I've gotten older, family-friends and friends of my parents have become my friends as well. Of course I would NEVER have hung out with them when I was a teenager because I was apparently too cool, but now, the time I spend with them leaves me feeling uplifted and loved. And I can't get enough of it.

It was also good to catch up with some friends from high school. We have our 20th reunion coming up this fall... YIKES... so there was lots to discuss. I will admit that I was a bit resistant to Facebook in the beginning, but it has been such a great way to reconnect with old friends, as well as keep in touch with people I love. Ladies...SO great to see you!!

I also saw one of my oldest, dearest friends. I have known Marji and her family since I was in kindergarten. We grew up right next door to each other and when one of us would get grounded (always me), we would write signs and hold them up to our windows between our houses to send messages. We've been through a lot together, and she is just like a sister to me.

I left my hometown feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. To be so loved is a special thing. I felt so much support and faith on my behalf, and it was absolutely edifying. I could've ended my summer right here and come home able to conquer the world. But it just kept getting better...

It's Time To Tackle the Summer Recap...

Wow. It's hard to know where to even begin, so chronologically seems to be the best approach.
I took a very extended vacation this summer. When my man left, the kids and I jumped on a plane and headed east. We met up with my parents, my brother and his family (Yisel, Jade, Bella and Abuela) in the Outer Banks, NC. What a phenomenal place! The beaches there are stunning, the water was perfect, and no one got bitten by a shark.

We rented a ginormous beach house that had a pool, and we enjoyed an entire week together resting and relaxing. I took so many pictures, it's taken me an hour just to compile them for this post tonight. So here's the photo recap.

Grams and Gramps were hounded by their grand kids to play games, read stories, and play in the water. They were good sports, and it was nice to have that second set of hands. It made me happy to see the kids strengthening their relationship with them. They live so far away, and we don't have the luxury of weekend visits.



The beach was so fun. I could stay at the beach all day, every day. If I have my sunscreen and some snacks, I'm good. And is there any place better for kids to play? I think not. Mother Nature's playground, for sure.

NOE was the most reserved of my kids with the water at the beach. She also had a hard time getting her kite in the air. She did catch a few easy waves, which made her happy.

Keola loves being active. I love seeing him just be a boy. Boys should be getting dirty, making messes, and being as busy as they can be just figuring things out.

Mika is such a great kid. He surpassed me in height this summer, and he is so enjoyable to be around. He's at that place where a kid tries to figure out how to grow up, and he's handling it with a lot of finesse. That is no small feat in this day and age. He's doing a super job.

ME! I just loved every second of it. I wished my husband was there to relax and enjoy with me, but I wasn't about to mope around and feel sorry for myself in such a gorgeous place! I looked at it as building up my emotional resources for the tough times ahead.

Andrew and Yisel are insanely busy in real life. Their schedules are crazy, so it was nice to see them relax and unwind together. They are so good for each other, and I'm happy to see them happy.

Abuela, Jade and Bella... are my brother's family and the girls are my only nieces! I love them.

This was a fabulous way to start my vacation. I have been blessed with a strong, supportive family and I appreciate each one of them. Life is good.

Because I Think You Care...

I didn't realize I knew so many people who were this interested in organizing things. Apparently, OCD is a requirement for being my friend. Sweet.

So here's what I did. I got some stacking shelves, a lazy susan, some baskets, and a shelf thing that looks like stairs (the syrup is on it in this picture, as well as other smaller things you can't see). I also got some containers for pasta, beans, and various snacks. I splurged on the containers, they were a bit pricey in my opinion. But they are great quality, and will stand up to my kids' constant usage. The rest of the stuff was not very expensive, and has given me a lot of additional space to organize my food. Overall, I'm really happy with the results. And my kids said, "WOW!" when they looked at it, which is a good sign. Thanks for the tips, friends! In a few months, we are tackling my last nemesis in this house: the living room closet.

Optimism...by choice

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

I have listened to this song about 47 times today. I just keep it on repeat. You know when you have those epiphanies? Where you feel like you catch a tiny glimpse of how you can make sense out of something? That is happening to me right now. I appreciate it.

This weekend has handed me a couple of bits of sadness. Situations beyond my control, but that directly affect me and my emotions. There has been worry, disappointment, confusion, frustration, concern... your typical laundry list of appropriate responses to bad news or crisis. The thing that is interesting, however, is that I feel a strange sense of optimism. I feel peace and security somewhere underneath the surface. As a currently-reforming control freak, I feel an ability to actually choose to be optimistic, in these situations over which I have no control. This is important, because if you function needing control, these things can literally overwhelm you.

I truly believe that the heart of life is good. There is heartache, no doubt. But regardless of what life hands you, you can choose to be optimistic! That is empowering. Maybe it's due in part to the many prayers of friends and family? Maybe a bit of personal effort? Maybe just some crazy kind of maturity on my part? (I am getting older, you know). Either way, it makes me want to extend myself, rather than curl up in my bed with the Snuggie of Defeat.

Good things.

Calling All Closet Organizers!!

I actually mean this literally. By "closet organizers" I don't mean "people who secretly like to organize things in general." I'm looking for people who can organize closets. Specifically, the pantry.

Allow me to introduce you to my pantry:

I am both irritated and embarrassed by it. But let's move past that, because this isn't about me. It's about my pantry. In my opinion, this pantry is too small for a Mormon, because Mormons are into food storage. Not because we're zealots and we want to make sure there's plenty of canned corn on hand should Jesus stop by unannounced, but because it just makes sense. Particularly in this economy, you never know what may happen, and wouldn't you want to be able to provide for your family at all times? But I'm digressing. Again. Back to the pantry.

I want this to be better than it is. I want my kids to be able to navigate it independently, knowing that each item has a place it belongs. I want it to be functional, yet attractive. I also want to stay within a decent budget... say a couple hundred bucks. So I've been looking around to see what's out there, and nothing is really hitting me.

I went to Home Depot, and snapped this image off their display chart. Obviously, my pantry is not wide enough to accommodate this system, but the delightful saleslady told me they can cut these wire shelves to any size you want. I don't really love the wire shelves, because I feel like things are harder to stack. But I do like the flexibility of cutting the shelves to whatever size I want.

I did a Google Image search for "pantry organizers", and found this simple approach (ironically, by a woman from UTAH. Those crazy Mormons and their food hoarding...):

Basically, all she's done is throw stuff into rubbermaids. This is neither aesthetic enough nor organized enough for me, but the general idea of using your existing shelving and then just adding containers isn't a bad one. I do like the can holders a lot.

The following image represents the granddaddy of pantry organizers. I heart it so much. It is streamlined, clean, functional, tidy, and basically awesome. I guess it's just wooden shelves built in to the closet area. I imagine this would be more expensive, although with my existing shelves, could I just install dividers or drawers? I don't know.

Lastly, this little number is sort of like what I have now (only larger, and yes I do have size envy). The main difference is that these are on adjustable brackets, and they have the drawer unit at the bottom. Also, I realize this photo is staged for advertising purposes, but I have to ask... where is all of these people's food?? I daresay if you cram in 9 jars of jam, 14 boxes of cold cereal, untold amounts of canned tuna, and my bulk bag of jasmine rice, you would seriously upset their color-coordinated display of items-nobody-uses. But my point is this: could I somehow adapt this system to my current pantry??

I am really open to suggestions. Do I do a total makeover? Do I just try to get baskets and containers to hold everything on my existing shelves? Wire shelves? Wood? Drawers? No drawers?

Discuss.

Letter To A Friend

Tomorrow marks one year since Conrad was killed in Afghanistan. I wrote this letter to Ann, with the intent of making it public. I think it is important for people to see what this life looks like, and to be reminded that there are real faces behind the politics of this war. Courage is a living quality, embodied by good soldiers and their families.

Dear Ann,
I cannot believe it has been a whole year. In some ways, it feels like it all happened
just five minutes ago, and in other ways, it feels like it’s been a lifetime of
pain. Some people may wonder why I would
post such a personal letter in such a public forum. It is easy for many people to move on.
For the family and friends, however, it is not. This is a reminder of the sacrifices made by
you, Conrad and Christopher.
I know Conrad is so proud of you and the strength you have
shown this past year. I am as well. Every day you get up (some days a little
later than others…) and you continue to make a life for you and
Christopher. There have been so many
times when I have felt helpless, and wished I could do more to ease your
burden. It can be hard to find my role
as your friend, as I recognize that no matter what I do, I can never take away
your grief.
You have shown and continue to show remarkable courage. To face each day knowing you will still have
to carry your pain takes courage. You
are blessed with the strength to do this from God, Conrad, your friends and
your family; but you are the one who chooses to take that and use it. Emotional survival is a choice, and you are
making it. Even as I sent my own husband
to Afghanistan, you offered me words of love, hope and support. That takes strength. I love you for it.
In spite of my faith and beliefs in God’s plan for each of
us, I have struggled to make sense of Conrad’s death. It is a process, a journey, for all those
affected by this loss. It seems like
there are times when hope and happiness are a part of your life, and other
times when they are out of reach. I
admire the ways in which you have learned to keep reaching for them, even when
they feel so elusive.
The choice to be a soldier is confusing to many. It is not a prestigious job, the pay is
lousy, and the demand for excellence is high.
True soldiers, who serve well with their heart and soul, are a rare
breed. You are fortunate to have been
married to a true soldier. I know Conrad
loved what he did, and I know you are proud of him. Likewise, a true soldier’s wife is special as
well. Loving someone enough to let them
pursue their dreams, in spite of the personal sacrifice, is hard. You did this.
While there may be frustration and resentment in being a soldier’s wife,
there is also unconditional love and support.
You should feel good about being a strong Army wife.
Life has plans for you and your son. In time, you will find these plans and
embrace them. Hope and happiness will
come more often than grief and sorrow.
There are people who want this for you; let them help. A year is a drop in the bucket of eternity,
and look at how far you’ve come in a year.
Here’s to a continued increase in those things that will help you
heal.
I love you, Ann.

-Andrea

Come Fly Away

I love to travel. I do. I love seeing new things, old familiar things, visiting friends and family... I can't get enough of it.

There is, however, one teeny little problem. I HATE flying. Flying is my mortal enemy. My evil nemesis. A total pain in my rear. Join me in seat 19E, Saturday last, will you, to see exactly why it's so darn crummy.

First of all, we said goodbye to my husband, and then sat and cried in the airport. It was 10pm. Then we walked down to our gate. It was 11pm. My kids go to bed by 8pm. There was some fatigue. We got on the plane, with the Brazilian chapter of the Lions Club. All 47 of them. They were in bright yellow jackets, and completely surrounded us. It was like being trapped in a foreign senior citizens center. Of course there was no deodorant either, and things were getting a little ripe. No worries, though, right? All I have to do is get on board, and we'll all go to sleep...

So I get on board. In my total efforts to spite the airlines, I refuse to check my bags. I pack light. The bags will all fit in the overhead bins, right? Uhhhhh... no. I became that woman. You know... the one who is holding up the line of boarding passengers while trying to punch her suitcase and get it into the compartment? Yeah. Me. My short, bald, and ferociously effeminate flight attendant hands me a gray trash bag and says, "You'll probably need to put a few items in here." At least that's what I think he said. It was hard to hear him over my kids' bickering about who was sitting where. I snatched the bag, probably more harshly than necessary, and started cramming stuff into it, hissing at my kids to sit down and shut up. Not my finest hour, I'll admit. The 30+ passengers waiting behind me will probably admit it too.

We finally get everything situated, lights go out, and I rest my head on my neck pillow, ready for a deep 4 hour sleep. Except, wait a minute! NOT HAPPENING. My kids are all getting their second wind. I force them to turn out their lights and GO TO SLEEP... but the Brazilian Lions Club members are all in full blown sleep apnea. They are literally snoring louder than the engines of the plane. Who can sleep with all that racket? Not my kids! Fine, then. Draw. Quietly. I'm going to sleep. EXCEPT... I'M NOT. Restless Leg Syndrome, anyone? Oh it's a true delight. With the 4.5 inches of space I have, my muscles start twitching, jerking... hell they are practically in full-blown seizure mode. I have to stand up. EXCEPT... my short, bald, ferociously effeminate flight attendant says, "Honey, you have to sit down. The seatbelt sign is on." I have had anxiety for two days, no sleep for equally as long, just sent my man to war, my kids are seriously working my nerves, and YOU ARE TELLING ME I CAN'T STAND UP???

Sadly, he has more authority than I do, and the likelihood of him batting for the other team means no amount of subtle (or pathetically obvious) flirting is going to get me anywhere. So I sit down. We are halfway through the flight at this point, and my youngest decides she is tired. She sprawls out across me and Mika, her head on my lap. But remember, my jimmy leg is in full force. So here's her little head, bouncing up and down while she sleeps. And she's a kicker. So she's kicking Mika while possibly incurring shaken 8 year old syndrome from my spasms.

Anyway. I could go on, but is there really any reason at this point?? You get the idea. The icing on all this, however, is my tendency towards motion sickness. So add nausea to the above scenario, and you've got a feel for what was going on.

Anyone wanna take a trip with me??

It's all worth it once I get to my destination. I'm super fun to vacation with... just not so much fun to travel with.

SAVE MY MARRIAGE.

SERIOUSLY. If you know me, you know I am fiercely competitive. I DESPISE losing. I am actually a very, very sore loser. If you beat me, I will probably ignore you for several days because I can't stomach the bitter loss. Thus it goes without saying that being married to me can be a tricky negotiation. Throw in one subtly competitive husband, and you can imagine that Scrabble gets ugly from time.

So. Here's the thing. My man has been winning our latest round... until I played ROULADE and brought the score to 247-228. I was in the lead. Then he played DIS and was beating me by 3. We were down to the last tiles. I knew he had the Z. I had the Q. Last night, I played "QI" off of the "B" in "BOOGEY". But for some reason, it didn't take. We logged on to play this morning, and my move wasn't there. I was confused, and so I threw the QI up on the board quickly, but I PLAYED IT OFF THE WRONG B! I played it off the B in BOXY.

Are you getting the same heavy knot in your stomach as I did when I realized my mistake? Not only did I forfeit my Q-On-A-Triple-Letter-Square by BOOGEY, but I opened up the triple WORD square for a man with a Z.

I'm not going to lie, people. I cried actual tears. I may have even sworn (and yes, I was hastily chastised by my more mature husband). But COME ON. I'm not saying my intended play would've won me the game. But it sure as HELL wouldn't have given him a chance at 52 points, and it WOULD'VE given me 32 points instead of 17.

So here's the question. He's going to win at this point. In all honestly, I can handle him winning (in spite of what I said about me being a sore loser, I do respect someone who beats me fairly). But I cannot live with a misrepresented score. He was trying to pull the Billy Buckner card on me this morning, but I'm not having it. Therefore, the question I pose to you, my friends, is this:

SHOULD THE FINAL SCORE OF THIS GAME COUNT, OR SHOULD IT BE DISQUALIFIED AS A LEGITIMATE SCORE; FURTHERMORE, SHOULD IT EVER, EVER BE DISCUSSED AGAIN??

Casing Ceremony

WOO! It's been a week! And of course by "a week," I mean "more than your typical 7 days of calendared time."

The battalion cased their colors this week. Before a unit deploys, they hold a special ceremony and basically put their flags away in preparation for the trip overseas. Each company has their own flag, and the battalion has their own as well. "Case" means "put away, like in a little case," and "colors" refers to the flags. This has been your educational military moment of the week.

Because my husband is a leader in his unit, he gets to do important things like stand in the front, and roll up the flag. He makes me so proud.

Really though, it was a very nice ceremony, and I only cried a teeny bit one time. I went up high in the stadium to get a bird's eye shot of all the soldiers, and it was sobering to see them all standing there and think that some of them might not return. But you have to learn how to shut those thoughts off when they come, or they will consume you.

After the ceremony, the local minor league baseball team invited the whole brigade up for a BBQ and night at the game. While it wasn't exactly riveting baseball, we did have fun getting some autographs, eating some BBQ, and hanging out together. It looks like we were the only people there, but we were just the first ones in our seats. The stadium was actually full...eventually...

And of course, a SERIOUS highlight was when we got some screen time. BIG SCREEN time. We were basically famous for 18 seconds.

It's been an eventful week. My relationship with the Army is absolutely a love/hate one. I love the tradition, the strength, the pride, the purpose... but I hate how hard it is to support a soldier. This week, I'm thankful for the family time they have provided us. We have had some really special talks with all of our kids, and have felt peace and love in what should, by all means, be a time of stress and chaos. Finding the good...