Dirty Mouth?

Once again, thanks to Jessica, our home is on its way to being a better place. (Although Skip, if you're reading this, it was totally my idea and Jessica was just trying out what I suggested to her.)
These kids of mine. Do they even really like each other? Doesn't seem like it. They can be so mean to each other, and the NAME CALLING... ai papi! It's horrible. So we implemented the system. We took the trash words, (see word bubble below) wrote them on papers, and threw them in the trash. We agreed it's okay to get angry at someone, but there have to be better alternatives to expressing that anger. We came up with four. (Funny, it was WAY easier to make the trash words list...)

So. The trash words are in the trash. The acceptable alternatives are posted on the wall. The "oops" jar has been created. (If they "forget" and use a trash word, the boys have to put a quarter in the oops jar. Noe just has to find some kind of coin... since they're all the same to her anyway, and she doesn't even get an allowance yet.)

So wish us luck. Lucky for me, I only use my trash words in private. So I'll be keeping all my money.

Tick-Me-Off-Elmo

You may recall we went to California this summer. Anyone interested in a little recap of one of our highlights? Here's what we thought: Let's hit Hollywood Boulevard! It could be fun, right? Sure!

Unless Elmo's there.

Elmo: (in sweet, chirpy voice) Hey kids! Wanna come take a picture with Elmo? Hey Mom! Take your kids' picture with Elmo!"
Me: Sure! (I take a picture)Elmo: (holding out tip bucket, still chirping) Thanks guys!
Me: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have any cash on me.
Elmo: (in angry, possibly drunk, grown man voice) Oh come on, lady! You think we do this for fun? We work off of tips, you know.
Me: (in slightly irritated voice) No, actually, I didn't know that. You might've mentioned it before I took the picture!
Elmo: (still in mean-guy voice) You mean to tell me I'm the first character you've taken a picture with today? Give me a break!
Me: (in really sick of Elmo voice) Um, yeah, actually. You ARE the first picture we've taken today. And probably the last.
Elmo: (in completely disgusted voice) Yeah, well for the record lady, we don't do this for kicks. We make our money off of tips.
Me: Well you may want to mention that up front next time. And you don't deserve a tip anyway. You scared my children. And I think you might also be drunk.

So. As you can see, Hollywood Boulevard is no place for amateurs. Come prepared. Come with cash. Or booze.

I Love You Just the Way You Are

So. Sometimes I get a little confused in my marital relationship. I see my darling spouse, Paige Skip, and I know there's a lot of love, but I just gotta wonder...
The other day we were walking down the street. Paige Skip says to me, "We need to get you some new shoes." I say, "What's wrong with the shoes I'm wearing?" Paige Skip says to me, "You look so good, and then... there's the shoes."
It's a known fact that I'm frugal. Possibly even a bit cheap. I go for the sale items. I employ the old motto "Make do or do without." I don't know why. I'm not really poor. I just am that way.
Paige Skip, on the other hand, likes to encourage me to get new things and look my best. Remember when Skip Paige inspired me to buy that new dress? Well it got me a little hooked. I just bought another new dress. And I'm sure my spouse(s) will like it a lot.

It's nice to be loved. It's nice to know that my spouse(s) want(s) me to look and feel my best. It's good that he or she encourages me to treat myself to new things from time to time. I appreciate having such a loving spouse(s) and I just wanted to give a public thank you.
It's good that the one who most loves me in life is also fashion savvy and willing to drop a lot of money on a pair of shoes or a new dress. So Paige, Skip, I love you.

Never Underestimate the Power of the Schwartz

So. Date night. Now that football has started back up, all of our babysitters are accounted for. Which means date night is going to take a little more effort on our parts. So this weekend I told Skip to come up with the entertainment and I'd handle the munchies. We would have to stay home.
I was feeling pretty impressed with myself for whipping up a favorite kielbasa dip, pina coladas, and a tasty white chocolate mousse with fresh berries...

And guess what Mr. Hilarious provides for entertainment?
Spaceballs. Yes, the movie. I have bragged to him since we got married that while in high school, I could quote the movie word for word from beginning to end. I'm not sure if he wanted to test me, or just watch me laugh like an idiot for 90 minutes. Either way, it was one of the most fun nights we've had in a while. If you haven't watched Spaceballs since high school, the time has come. Actually, the time is now. You're looking at now, sir. What happens now is happening now. What happened to then? We passed then. When? Just now. When will then be now? Soon...
And yes, that's a portable DVD player on our bed. We refuse to put a television in our room... lessons learned the hard way once before. Television in the bedroom = lackluster love life.

My Little B.M.

So. In case you're wondering, this post is not about poop. B.M. stands for "Brag Moment". I'm sure a poop post would be more entertaining, but what is the blog for if not to exploit yourself and talents from time to time?

Feast your eyes on exhibit A:

Big whoop, says you. Well... let me just say that I started this little piece de resistance (please pronounce with a sultry French accent) about 5 or 6 years ago. I got a significant chunk of it done, and then threw it in a box with the rest of my life and forgot about it. The other day, I was looking at our drab green bedspread, thinking it looked an awful lot like an Army uniform, and decided it was time for a change.

I went to the garage, dug through a box, and found this unfinished business. I zipped around on the sewing machine for a bit, and presto! I now have this clever little log-cabin duvet cover.

There are plenty of flaws in it, to be sure. And I didn't have enough fabric to finish the log cabin pattern all the way around, so I had to do some improvising on the edges. But all in all, I'm pleased.
So there you have it. Secretly, I long to be domestic.

Nah. Just kidding. Secretly, I long to be rich enough to buy all the cute things I want.

The Doggie Paddle Gone Wrong

Ah, the local water park. It's a great place to take my kids when the temps rise to an uncomfortable degree. There are slides, various pools, lots of other kids to play with... you get the picture. We've been gone a lot this summer, so we haven't had the chance to go like we did last year. So this week, I thought we would make an appearance.

Imagine my shock and disgust when I arrived and found THIS picture posted up on the entry window:

We live in a very earthy-crunchy community. Sweaterheads abound. And they love their dogs as much as they love their deomcracy. For the most part, I don't mind all of this. I enjoy a little liberalism, I like the look of dreadlocks, I'm fascinated with hairy-underarmed women; I rather enjoy life in this modern day Haight-Ashbury.

But the dogs? It's a bit much for me. Have a pet if you want; love it, walk it, feed it... shoot, you can even bring it to the park and toss around a frisbee as long as you have a Walmart bag at the ready. But when I show up at the water park and find there is a special day set aside for doggie swim, I get a little ill. I get a little irate, actually. I mean, even though there's really no difference between a dog peeing in the pool and a kid peeing in the pool, one is clearly harder to stomach than the other. And while there is little difference between my long-haired stepdaughter shedding in the pool, and a doggie shedding in the pool, again, one is clearly more repulsive than the other.

So now what? Do I boycott? This is a small community. There are limited opportunities for aquatic adventure. We're having an unusual heat wave, and water play is essential. The kids think it's cool. Is this one more thing in my life that I'll just have to learn to let go of? Why, God, must you torment me with these trials???

She's From Boston

I have hundreds of pictures from my vacation. Hundreds. There were so many people, so many beautiful places. I love New England. I realize most everyone doesn't want to see all my hundreds of pictures, so here, in video form, are the highlights. (If you DO happen to want to see all my pictures, click on the family album link on the right).

Say Fromage, Rusty!

Here's the fam.

My brother and his family left to return to CT today.  I'm leaving on Thursday and heading to New York.  I really enjoy spending time with my family.  But THIS SATURDAY... I get to see my husband again.  THAT is what I am most excited for.

ps: for anna, and other humorously-challenged friends, the title is from national lampoon's european vacation.  a family favorite.

The Ties That Bind

Greetings from North Carolina!

I cannot say how good this vacation has been for my soul.  As happy as I am in my life and in my marriage, there are some residual effects of divorce that occasionally rear their nasty head. And they bother me. One is the fact that when you divorce, you inevitably lose some friends.  Some people take sides, some people judge you, and some people just plain don't know how to respond, so they avoid you.  I can't go chasing down every person I've ever known to make sure that they're okay with my life choices.  And while for the most part I can let it go, sometimes it does bother me.  

I grew up in the same town almost all of my life.  I had a very loving extended family... made up entirely of people not related to me.  It would literally be impossible for me to keep in touch with all of them as often as I'd like.  But at the risk of sounding sappy, they are always in my heart, and I have very tender feelings for them.  Today at my parents' house, a bunch of old friends from Massachusetts happened to align paths so that we all met up.  I laughed until I cried- for hours.  It was so reassuring to me to feel so loved.  It felt good for them to tell me that I looked happy, and to see that my happiness was important to them.  

I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a blessing in my life.  My husband is not big on keeping in touch with people, which is unfathomable to me.  But he understands and accepts my need to do so.  That makes me a very lucky woman.

Here are a few pictures from today.  You may know some of these people, you may not.  (I'm sure you all know Steve... otherwise known in Blogland as HappyBack.  If he's not on your reader, he should be.  You're guaranteed a laugh.)  These people are my extended family, and I love them dearly.

Norman and Debbie

Me and Tara

Yisel, Andrew and Isabella (my brother and his wife... so they are family)

Don and Iris

Sam, Paul and Ellie

Valerie and Tara

Me and Steve

WOOP! There it is!

Remember that annoying song from about 15 years ago? Well, it was all I heard coursing through my head yesterday as I took my two nieces to the pool. And my bathing suit top broke. And my itty bitty teeny tiny mamas made their debut in front of the local population.
At first I thought the clasp had slipped. So I scream-whispered for my 11 year old niece to come fix it for me, so I didn't have to let go of my 1 year old niece's hand and watch her drown. She came over, tried, and then informed me it was broken. BROKEN! In my deepest dreams, it broke because the strain from holding back my bosoms was more than it could bear.
I called Skip and told him about it, expecting lots of sympathy. Instead he said, "I think I'm kind of turned on over here..."
It's time for me to get a new suit and time for him to get out of the middle of the woods with those cadets.

And no, there are no pictures with this post.

My John Denver moment... Take Me Home...

See these ladies? Recognize them? It's Annie, Brittany, and Liz (aka Calibosmom). They are the East Coast blogging crew... the northeast coast, that is. And since I was in this neck of the woods, I got to hook up with them! I knew Brittany growing up in Boston, and then she moved to California. She knew Paige and Heather D, which is how I ended up linking into all this blogging insanity in the first place. We had a fantastic time. I guess I should only speak for myself, but I had a fantastic time. I laughed so hard, I even cried a little, and it was wonderful. As crazy as it seems to "meet" people online, I have made some wonderful friends and found many women I have lots in common with. I'm glad to get to know them in real life, and truly call them friends.



I spent a couple days in Massachusetts. This is Marji, and her husband Neal. I have known Marji since I was about four or five years old. She is my oldest friend, and just like my sister. We grew up right next door to each other. When I would get grounded, she would go into her parents' room, where the window faced mine, and we would write notes back and forth and hold them up to the window. We would send secret flashlight messages across the way at night. Not that we could understand them, but it was fun.

I love the East Coast. I love everything about it. I spent so much of my life here and it will always feel like home to me. There are so many people- my friends, family friends, teachers, old ward members... you name it- and seeing them is refreshing for my soul. There is much to be said for people who have known you at your worst and still love you; those who have seen you at your best and are proud of you; those who have cried and laughed with you for years and years. I wish I had time to see everyone while I was here, but there is never enough time.

Tomorrow... off to North Carolina! It's a really great summer for me this year.

More Used Would I Be...

One of my favorite hymns in the LDS church is "More Holiness Give Me" because heaven knows, I could use a lot more divine qualities in my life.

I decided I would find the local church and attend today. Turns out it was right across the street from the Yale campus. I drove up, and found 12 parking spaces in the lot. Not 12 available, but 12 total. My assumption is most people walk. It was right in the heart of the city. And the diversity in the congregation was fantastic!

We sang some hymns in English, some in Spanish. (My Spanish is getting a real workout over here) After every hymn, some of the members would yell out "AMEN! SING IT!" LDS hymns aren't the most rousing, but I can see where old habits die hard. There were a few young Yale couples there, but mostly just a very diverse group of locals.

I realize that no matter where you attend your church meetings, the doctrine is the same. The spirit is the same. But there is something inside of me that pulls me towards diversity. When I came home from my mission, I attended the little Cape Verdean branch in my stake every chance I got. And I loved feeling so useful! I love to be among newly converted church members. The learning is new, it's exciting, and often times you can do it in a foreign language! I love that.

I do love the ward I attend now, although I will admit that I am very much like everyone else there. There is little diversity, and no opportunity to use any of my language skills. Is it wrong to feel like I have more to offer? I enjoy the work I currently do in the nursery, and I am diligent about my responsibilities there. But I long to do more. I want to live in a place where there is sharing of culture, where I can learn and use more languages, where I truly feel needed. For as long as I can remember, that has been something that makes me happy, and something I have sought opportunities to do. Is that wrong? Does it mean I'm not satisfied with my current situation? I don't think so. But like the hymn says, "more used would I be..." I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll never join the Peace Corps. But I fear the skills and talents I have been blessed with have been packed away. I'm anxious to find a way to use them. Is there a line in that hymn that says "more patience give me"? Maybe our next move will find me there.

The Things I Know

I know that living away from the East Coast means I don't get to eat nearly as much of THIS as I would like to:

I know that I was born into the wrong culture. Deep down, I don't believe I am really a white girl. My taste in music, men, entertainment, and particularly food tells me that somewhere, in a far off country, I have a birth mother who is mourning my absence. My sister-in-law is from the Dominican Republic, and her mom makes me fish, beans and rice every day. And every day, I know I am a teeny bit happier.

I know that sleepovers used to be fun when I was the age of my niece. I know that I am no longer that age. I know that my sleep is precious to me... far more valuable than staying up late to play Twister,
or put on makeup.
I know that really, I AM a white girl. A very, very, very white girl.

I know that the white gene is very dominant in my family. My niece's mom has olive skin and jet black hair. My niece... does not.

And I know that vacation is good. Everyone should take vacations from time to time, just to unwind a bit and reconnect. Vacation also helps you appreciate what you have at home. So take a vacation. Enjoy it. Refresh yourself a bit. I know it's a good idea.

Big C, little c, What Begins With C?

I do enjoy a good blog read. A really good one is my new friend and spooning partner, Celia. Celia is funny, and a little off in her thinking. I mean, the stuff she comes up with is just OUT THERE sometimes. And I love every minute of it. But it has often caused me to wonder about her husband. Is he like Celia at all? Does he really appreciate her sense of humor? Is he funny like she is? Are they a good match, or do they drive each other nuts? So I figured I would go straight to the big kahuna myself and make my inquiries. Following is an interview I held with Big C.



*True to form, when I asked little c for her husband's email address, she spent days hacking into his account waiting for the questions to arrive. She then swiped them, and replied in her own words on her blog. Head over for the Paul Harvey version of the story...

TOP TEN QUESTIONS FOR BIG C:

1. You may or may not be aware that your wife is wildly popular on the blogging circuit. We know why we all love her… what do YOU feel is her most endearing quality? Please give an example.
Celia just wants to have fun. She’s always scheming up a new adventure. Like last week when I noticed her “to do” list said, “Buy tickets to Hawaii.” My reaction was, “Who’s going to Hawaii now?”

2. You appear to be more reserved, perhaps even conservative. Celia, on the other hand… not so much. Is that an accurate assumption, and if so, can you ‘splain me dat, Lucy?

It’s true that Celia is an extrovert, but she’s actually too young to have watched I Love Lucy in her youth, so that can’t be her inspiration. Also, I’m Scotch, not Puerto Rican. Celia works to live; I live to work. It all works out.

3. Celia occasionally references the relationship between you and her sisters. Care to comment on the real nature of the beast?
Let’s just say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

4. What is the key to your marital success?
We respect each other’s role in the marriage. I’m in charge of making the money; Celia’s in charge of spending the money.

5. Who is funnier: Big C or little c?
That depends on your taste for humor. Celia usually doesn’t get too personal in her humor. For example, she’ll poke fun at anyone who’s ever worn white in a family photo. On the other hand, when I make a joke, it’s funnier, but also in very bad taste and not at all politically correct.

6. If you could change one thing about your wife, what would it be? (A safe answer might involve the words “Depeche Mode” )
Depeche Mode? That puts me in vomit mode. I do wish she loved Led Zeppelin as much as I do. However, it’s okay because I’ve sent our kids through my own School of Rock and now we outnumber her.

7. When did you realize that you wanted to ask Celia to marry you?
Do you know the story about free milk and the cow? Or maybe it was when I discovered that she had a better car than I did. She had a brand new, Chinese red Mazda MX-6. I was driving an old Toyota with a Taco Bell color scheme.

8. What is your favorite meal, as “prepared” by your wife? (we all know about her faux-made dishes)
Once a year, she insists on making my special birthday cake for me. It’s a white cake with cream cheese and whipping cream frosting, topped by a can of pie cherries in syrup. She thinks it’s disgusting and everyone hates it but me, but it’s OK since it’s my birthday. It’s about 13,000 calories, and I eat the whole thing.

9. Please detail the plans you would make for Celia’s Ultimate Romantic Getaway. Be sure to include specific dates so she can clear her calendar.
My parents’ house has been added on to so that it now has a bedroom in the very center of the house. It has big glass doors on one side and a thin wood door on the other. That would be my first choice, but we’ve done it so many times already.
Celia would like to stay on the Central California coast, doing nothing but sleep, read, and eat. I’m good with that.

10. If you could take this opportunity to say anything to your wife (knowing it will be read by a couple hundred of her closest friends) what would you say?
Is it possible to make money blogging? Could we sell advertising space on your blog or maybe charge admission?

Well... I'm still waiting for the mysteries of Big C to be unlocked. But until he starts his own blog (which I heard he's seriously considering doing) we'll just have to settle for his carefully chosen words in this online interview. Little c... looks like sixteen years well-invested. I say keep him around. Big C... thanks for your time. I only had to pester you twice for the responses. Not bad.

MySpace Has Been Invaded

DISCLAIMER: I tend to write about generally mundane yet amusing things. Occasionally I post some personal thoughts, and every once in awhile I touch on a sensitive subject. This is a sensitive subject, I'm sure, for plenty of people. And I'll probably offend someone in the process, and I'm sorry. But these are my thoughts. Take them for what they are.

Several people I know use MySpace, an online social networking website. Most of them are younger than me, but apparently find me interesting enough to want to share their space with me anyway. I opened a MySpace account just so I could accept their invitations. I don't do anything there, I don't spend time there other than to occasionally check in on my friends and see their pictures. I'm just going to be honest here, but WHAT IS UP WITH TOTALLY PIMPING YOURSELF OUT ONLINE?

The following picture was a FRIEND of someone I know. It was posted on her MySpace page.

Give me a break! The girl is somewhere between 16-21 years old. And in one fell swoop, she's promoting the naughty nurse fantasy along with the lollipop fellatio deal. COME ON! I was so disgusted by this, I didn't even bother to check for new photos of relatives.

Most of my experience with people in MySpace has been similar to this. Perhaps not quite as blatantly sexualized, but clearly provocative nonetheless. Teenagers and young adults, mostly female, putting up pictures with sultry faces and implicit poses. Clearly, the anonymity of being online would embolden people to act in ways they otherwise might not. If you were just going to a friend's house to meet some new people, would you show up as Naughty Nurse Betty? Probably not. But online, suddenly you're hidden behind this protective shield, and so many people seem to be okay with that.

I realize there's a lot of bad stuff out there. But I look at what today's youth are being raised in, and I honestly fear for my children. As much as we try to teach them right from wrong, build a strong family, instill religious devotion, this is still what they are growing up with. Mika is going into 5th grade, and he has friends already whose parents have given them MySpace accounts and posted YouTube videos. They had a beach party at school the other day, and one girl showed up in a bikini. Don't get me wrong, I love a good bikini. But her sitting around the classroom with every inch of her prepubescent body hanging out really bothered me. This is the same girl that calls our house, asks for Mika, and then giggles and hangs up when he gets on the phone. I can all but guarantee, in a few years this same girl will have her own over-sexed pictures on MySpace.

Where is the self-respect? Where is the pride in being a good girl? I don't understand it, and frankly, the potential windfall from it all will be devastating to our society. That may sound a bit melodramatic, but truthfully, what kind of mothers will these girls grow up to be? What kind of wives will they make?

I am disappointed to see so much of this. And I know I'm not just getting older and more cynical. It's wrong. Plain and simple.