god grant me patience... NOW!

sorry this will be an entry with no pictures. it's one of those "reflective" entries... probably inspired by the new year and all the people around me making resolutions.

i'm not a new-year's-resolutions girl myself. too much pressure. yet i recognize the need for change. not drastic overhauls, but subtle changes. i am very hard on myself. i think a lot of women are. this is a hard-learned lesson, however.

several years ago, i was good at everything. at least i thought i was. it was important to me to be good at everything. i was in charge of a lot of things in different organizations both within my church and community. i was managing the unusual health problems of one child and the extreme behavior issues of another. i was on the ball. i had lists which were regularly checked and completed. i was a go-to gal. problem was, i wasn't really going to anywhere. in spite of all my organization and success, i was failing in so many areas. (but that's a whole other therapy session...) eventually it all caught up with me and things got ugly fast. i was driving my train at full speed, and it crashed.

so now what? here i am, with essentially a second chance. i have to remind myself each day that i know how to fail. and i don't mean that in a disparaging way. what i mean is i have to take that failure and apply what i learned from it. it has to be part of my progress now, part of my attempts to succeed.

the list of things i want to do better is endless... be more patient with my kids, keep the house cleaner, read my scriptures more, dislike certain people less... you know the drill. but the way i see it now, the best i can do is focus on the big picture on a daily basis. i want to be calm and rational when child A throws the gamecube controller at child B's head. but some days, i may scream out "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THOSE THINGS COST? YOU COULD'VE BROKEN IT! PLUS, YOU MIGHT HAVE HURT YOUR BROTHER!" that is usually followed by a spanking, an unrational punishment, and a ruined night. then i feel guilty, and hope their father isn't waiting in the wings with a lawyer to swoop in and deem me an unfit mother. this is reality. sometimes it happens that way. but sometimes it doesn't.

some days, i may say, "i'm sorry you chose to do that, here is the natural consequence." and child A understands it, grudgingly accepts it, and within a reasonable amount of time, there are apologies and reformed behavior. sound idyllic? yes. but it is also reality. and sometimes it happens this way too.

so day to day, i resolve to do what i can. on the good days, i give myself some credit and say "i succeeded at some things today." i value that progress. on the bad days, i can try to pinpoint what went wrong and why... and then be aware of those triggers the next time around.

i want perfection as much as the next guy does. and believe me, i'd love to have it now. but the point of it all is continual refinement. i figure if i approach it from that angle, it's going to be a little easier to succeed. and as i do that, i'd like to think i gain a little more patience, a little more wisdom, a little more understanding in how to keep it all going in the right direction.