Rubbin Me the Wrong Way...

I sent this email to my friend today, and my former massage therapist. As you may know, I get regular massages to help with the laundry list of back problems I have. Yes, it sounds divine, and it is, but I'd gladly give up scoliosis, stenosis, arthritis, herniated discs and hypermobility in exchange for not needing the massage. anyhooo... I've been trying to establish a new provider here. I figured I'd start with physical therapy, so I can also develop a new workout program. Here's what my email said:
so i mentioned to you that my PT is ed asner, right? about 5'5", no neck, 2 chins, very large ears, and probably 64 years old. reeks of old spice. thank you, tricare, for this outstanding referral.
i went in today for my 2nd visit, the one where we're done discussing my history and we get to work. mr. ed asner did a decent job of hooking me up with some core strengthening exercises, and a few good stretches. then ed asner told me we would be doing some soft tissue manipulation. GREAT! it's the only way i can get the insurance company to pay for my massages, which i desperately need. so let's call it soft tissue manipulation and get on with it.
ed asner asks me to lie face down on the freezing cold, rubber-padded table. sure, no problem ed. but i'm fully clothed, and wondering where this is going. ed asner then moves my shirt up... okay, no problem. gotta get to my soft tissue somehow, right? ed asner then UNHOOKS MY BRA. no joke. i was like WHOA THERE, EDDY! back up off a sista! but no, i'm mature, i figure this is just fine. he didn't want me to actually undress, so this is logical. then ed asner puts refrigerated massage cream on my back. "is it cold in here?" ed asks me. "try to relax." relax? sure. no problem. there's an overhead radio in the room, and guess what song starts bumping while ed asner massages me? YEAH... l'il john. oh i'm in the zone now baby. ed asner does not have the hands of a massage therapist. ed asner has the hard, rough, calloused hands of a 64 year old man. they do not feel good on the soft, virgin skin of my back. WE WANT A LADY IN THE STREET BUT A FREAK IN THE BED! thank you, l'il john, for helping me through this awkward moment. ed asner is finished manipulating my soft tissue now, so he hooks my bra back up for me. how's THAT for service! i threw some coins in his tip jar on my way out.