How To Manage Your Pyromaniac Progeny

The other day, my house reeked of Axe cologne. I asked "Why does it smell like Axe in here?" My daughter said, "It smells more like fire to me." As I moved down the hall, I did indeed smell the pungent aroma of freshly lit matches. My boys were playing with matches. They are 12 and 9... absolutely old enough to know better. Here's how to handle the situation:

1. Panic. Recognize that your children are delinquents, and the next likely step in their life is the torture of small animals. Feel overwhelming regret at your failure to have parented better.

2. Use one of your lifelines. I chose the phone-a-friend. Or in this case, text-a-friend. Shally is my lifeline. Your lifeline must be one who has solid parenting skills, will not judge you, and can talk you down off the ledge. She will tell you what you would have told her if the roles were reversed. She will maintain logic and humor while you are panicking.

3. Take her brilliant ideas, combine them with your own, and then begin "FIRE SAFETY TRAINING COURSES" in your home. Read on for instructions on implementing this worthy endeavor.
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FIRE SAFETY TRAINING COURSES:

1. While you are still semi-consumed with anger and disappointment, you should not interact with your kids. Ensure there are no additional matches at their disposal, and then tell them, "Because I am concerned for the safety of our house, you will need to stay in your rooms until further notice." For us, this was 15 hours. Provide peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if mealtime happens to fall during those hours.

2. Bring your kids out of their rooms. Ask them if they are familiar with "Stop, Drop and Roll." Ask them to demonstrate it. Ask them to demonstrate it again. Ask them to demonstrate it for 40 minutes, because... you know... when they set themselves on fire, it will be a handy skill to have.

3. While they are demonstrating Stop, Drop and Roll, ask them to include 1-2 push-ups in between each demonstration, because... you know... when they set the house on fire, they will need increased upper body strength to possibly carry a family member's body out of the house.

4. Next you will inform your children that you just don't feel safe in your home anymore, what with all this burning and match-lighting going on. But you would feel much safer if you had a fire extinguisher and a fire-escape ladder on hand. Any ideas on how we could acquire these items?

5. Because your children already know how you operate, they will reply, "We have to buy them?" Why yes, yes you do. And because you are a helpful parent, you have already calculated an estimate for them. Said items should run somewhere in the ballpark of $70. 6. Kindly offer your children "opportunities" to earn that money. Some of our opportunities include the following:
-scrubbing the moss off the back yard fence
-doing Mom's Saturday chores
-doing their sister's Saturday chores
-cleaning the garage
-cleaning up after their sister's sleepover party last night (this one might be painful)
-scooping up the dog poop that happened to be deposited on our sidewalk by a neighborhood dog

7. Also remind your children that until you have your fire extinguisher and fire-escape ladder, you just won't feel safe. But they are free to work on earning that money at their own pace.

8. Remind your children that until you feel safe again, it's best for them to remain in their rooms when they are not otherwise occupied with money-earning opportunities.

9. Hold regular fire drills. It's best to do this using the smoke detectors in your home, so the sound is realistic. It's also helpful to wait until after they've gone to bed, because often times, fires occur when people are sleeping. Also, all the studies I've read suggest that regular practice is effective. So make sure that they do get plenty of practice. Sure they'll be sleepy after about day 7, but they'll thank you for it when they know how to escape after they've lit your house on fire.

10. Contact your lifeline and let her know how things turned out. Thank her for helping you remain calm so that you could effectively educate your children, increase the safety of your household, and avoid a complete emotional meltdown involving screaming and guilt trips. My hope is that you never need to use this training. If the need arises, however, remember that taking them to the fire station for a "stern lecture" will probably be fun for them. Don't do that. Showing them pictures of burn victims will probably give them nightmares, which will in turn interrupt your own sleep. Don't do that either. Keep your eye on the goal.

Thanks to Christie, for inspiring the How-To post series.