Shallow and Insignificant, with Bad Pictures.

So. I've recently tried a new curlier approach with my hair. Frankly, you people have made me blush with your inordinate amount of compliments. Thank you very much. Just be glad you are not my husband, though, because here's how the compliments played out there:

Yesterday, I straightened my hair again for the first time in months.
B: Babe, I really like your hair straight.
Me: Thanks.
Me: Wait. Are you saying you DON'T like it curly?
B: *Blink*Blink*Blink*
Me: Your tone implied that maybe you PREFER the straight to the curly. Is that the case?
B: No? *Blink*Blink*
Me: So you like it both straight AND curly?
B: Yes? *Blink* Blink*
Me: You like it better straight though?
B: Yes?
Me: Oh. Okay.

See how difficult it can be being married to me??

Anyway. I have put together for your reading pleasure a tutorial on how I do my hair. In case you care. First of all, you have to go to a great stylist who does NOT work at Fantastic Sam's. I finally learned that ten bucks will get you just that... a ten dollar haircut. Pay for quality. Get some long layers cut in, and some side-swept bangs.

Then:



Brush only the bangs over to the side, and define your part. Make sure you have a pained look on your face while doing so.


Get some good frizz-controlling mousse (thanks for the tip, Diane). Scrunch the mousse all throughout your wet hair. I do it upside down to loosen the hair a bit.



Then I pin back my bangs with a bobby pin, so they will dry sleeker. Following that, I release many pent-up frustrations by scrunching my hair in what appears to be a fit of rage.




Then you have to wait and let your hair air dry. This is better than blowdrying, but you have to plan it into your routine. I like to give about an hour, but sometimes I can only spare 15 minutes. In the meantime, I get dressed, apply makeup, eat breakfast, and listen to music.



Once my hair is only slightly damp, I finish off with a light blowdry. Reminiscent of the 80's I also do this upside down. Unlike the 80's, however, I don't shellac it while doing so. Blowdrying upside down gives it more body. Scrunching while blowdrying gives it more curl.



When you finish that step, you will look like this:
This is acceptable only if your last name is Frankenstein. Otherwise, it's time to tame.


I use a one-and-a-half inch barrel curling iron. I only curl the top layers, to keep it looking more natural and less Pollyanna. I spray my hair with hairspray before I curl, which prevents the nasty sticky curls you get when you spray after curling. I curl some towards my face and some away from my face, again to keep it looking natural. I NEVER smile while doing this part.


Then I take the bobby pin out of my bangs, and smooth them with the iron.


Lastly, I separate the curls, which step apparently makes me look constipated.







My hairdresser once used the phrase "back comb" in my presence. ONCE. Back comb and "bump-it" just don't work for me. But a little height does add body and volume, so I take a teeny bit in the front, lift it, and spray.




So here you have it. I can see a few other spots that need attention here, but you get the general idea. It actually takes me less time to do this than it does to straighten.





So if you all want to look exactly like me, now you know how. I am considering starting a small army of hair clones. Let me know if you are interested in enlisting.