Managing Family Conflict

...or Why I Fight in Front of My Kids.

It was recently brought to my attention that my husband and I should not be fighting in front of our kids.  While I suppose everyone is entitled to their opinion, it is also worth noting that not every opinion is worth the spite with which it is offered.  But it does provide me with an opportunity to make some points for consideration.

If you know me or my husband at all,  you will know that we are extremely strong people.  We are mentally tough, and generally able to manage slightly insane amounts of stress with notable success.  You will also know that we are both extremely strong-willed.  Compromise comes only after a fair amount of heated debate.  Concession is generally in the form of the old "agree to disagree" adage.  If it were any other way, he would not be him, and I would not be me.  While it is, at times, maddening, it is also one of the qualities that most draws us to each other. 

Perhaps the worst advice I have ever received in my life was, "Never go to bed without resolving an argument."  Hello??  I need my sleep.  Eight hours, actually, to be pleasant and functioning.  Most of the time, calling it a night allows for a fresh start in the morning, with increased clarity, perspective, and determination.  The later I try to stay up and hash out an argument, the uglier it gets. 

Conflict happens.  It is part of life.  It's even more likely to occur when you pack people under one roof and call them a family.  It's apt to increase when you have extenuating circumstances like special needs, full time jobs, a history of divorce, blended families, ties to the military, and a whole host of other stressors that people today find themselves experiencing.  And you can be certain that your kids are aware of it, and they are watching every single exchange.  They are both consciously and subconsciously forming patterns and beliefs as they see the adults in their lives interact.  It is essential that they see their parents disagree and still love each other.  We often hear folks of an older generation say things such as, "Father never once raised his voice to Mother in our home."  or "I can never recall hearing my parents argue."  Can you imagine the disappointment this person was likely to have experienced the first time he or she got into it with their spouse?  "This isn't how it's supposed to be.  Where's the bliss?  Where's the harmony?"  It sets unrealistic expectations.  It's also more likely to start you on the nasty habit of sweeping things under the rug.  If we don't learn how to manage conflict, we become much more likely to avoid it.  This doesn't make the problems go away.  It just builds resentment and disappointment.  Shielding your kids from conflict sets them  up to experience these negative behaviors in their own marriages one day.

Not all topics are suitable for children to hear debated.  Likewise, the way in which you argue is also very important.  By no means am I suggesting kids need to hear belittling, insults, or criticisms.  This does them no favors, and teaches them nothing of value.  Drama is out.  Emotional manipulation, coercsion, and martyrdom are not how we teach our children to deal with their problems. Trying to get them to take your side places an unfair burden on them.  It's also a teeny bit psycho. If that is how you operate, then please, by all means, stop fighting in front of your kids.  If we feel like an argument is going to escalate, we go for a drive.  The goal is to teach them healthy skills, not perpetuate dysfunction.

My husband is amazing.  I once wrote down his strengths and the things I love about him, and it was four pages long.  He can also be a real pain in the ass.  I haven't made a list about that side of him, but it exists.  As it does for me.  And every other human being on the earth.  We are imperfect people trying to make a good thing better.  But make no mistake... at the end of the day, he is who I choose to be with.  I love him enough to work through our differences, and I love our children enough to teach them how to do the same.